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The Typical RetroJunk User: A Reminder
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- 1 year 6 months ago
- Posts: 54340
- User Admin
In my years of browsing the internets, never have I come across such a diverse and eclectic group of people than at the retrojunk. Here now, I pass on my knowledge to you, the aspiring retrojunk user, in an attempt to educate a new generation in the ways of becoming a great member of this special site. Please note that I feel my findings are too important to wait several days for an article to be approved on the main page. In an effort to get this information to you, the retrojunk user in a timely matter, I am publishing the results of my case study here on the forums. I now present the definitive top ten methods for becoming a successful retrojunk member.
10. YOU MUST HATE NEW CARTOONS
That’s right folks. The proper retro junkie hates all those new shows on Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon. If you loved Thundercats when you were 8, but hate Digimon now, you know full well it's not the fact that you're a grown up, it's the networks fault. Nothing says successful Retrojunk member like "Hi. I'm 30 years old and forming an online petition to bring back Johnny Bravo".
yay
nay
9. YOU MUST NOT BE ABLE TO DRIVE A CAR
Everyone knows that the successful retro junkie on the go is indeed not going anywhere unless his or her parents are driving. You can’t spend 18 hours a day on Retrojunk if you're out taking driving exams now can you? Repeat after me: "I am a member of Retrojunk. I don’t need no stinking car". Good! You're now just 8 steps away from being the best damn Retrojunk member you can be.
"My other car is also my moms Corolla"
8. YOU MUST BE A VIRGIN
Whoa there true retro junkie. I know you’re thinking to yourself "wow, I'd sure like to know what a vagina feels like". Nonsense! Who needs that pesky interaction with the opposite sex when you’ve got 2 seasons worth of Animaniacs to watch on dvd? Am I right? This is where step 9 is very helpful. You can't meet up with the opposite sex if you don't have a car. And if you’re not meeting up with the opposite sex, that's just more time to spend on Retrojunk! Now go masturbate into a sock, retro junkie!
"Lotion makes my hand feel like a vagina....I think"
7. YOU MUST STILL LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS AND BE UNEMPLOYED
This one is self explanatory. You can't spend the countless hours on Retrojunk if you have a job. In a perfect world maybe, but in the real world there is no "retrojunk browsing technician" position in the workplace. And you obviously won't be buying your own place without a job. So, perfect solution: live at home with your parents far into your adult years. If anyone asks what you do for a living, proudly say "I am a member of Retrojunk!"
"My assburgers prevent me from working"
6. YOUR LIFES GOAL IS TO BE A RETROJUNK MOD
Once again, the previous steps will help you achieve this. No retro junkie wants to spend ¾'s of the day on Retrojunk for no good reason. Why not spend those countless hours telling other retro junkies like yourself how to post, all the while earning the respect and admiration of all of the other non-driving, cartoon loving virgins. Just remember, being a moderator on an internet forum is a position of great power. With great power comes great responsibility. Don't let it go to your head!
SUPER MELONHEAD!
5. YOU MUST DEFEND THE STAFF OF RETROJUNK UNTIL THE BITTER END
Lets say one of the staff members here at Retrojunk has a nasty habit of creating and displaying animated child(lolli) pornography. For the sake of this argument, we'll say Edymnion. Or lets say that hypothetically, Vertex, aka Zach Boyet creates a sister site to retro junk displaying his completely tasteless pictures of himself giving a big thumbs up to a pile of recently executed Jews in a Nazi camp. Now the average person would say to themselves "wow, there are some sick fucks running this place". Oh, but not you true retro junkie. You come back with lines like "well, its ok, he was just coloring the animated kiddie porn for his friend" and the ever classic "he wasn't really there executing those Jews, that was just photoshopped". Ah yes true retro junkie. Nothing gets past you.
"A shallow grave full of fun!"
4. YOU MUST THINK THAT WRITING ARTICLES IS COOL
So you’ve got countless hours from not working, driving or fucking to spend on retro junk. You can only spend so much time in the forums, right? That's where writing an article or two comes in. You've got unlimited knowledge on the Legend of Zelda and the grammatical skills of a 3rd grader. Time to shine!
Run on sentences. Check. Misspelled words. Check. Complete sodomizing of the English language. Check. Write on retro junkie. Write on.
"Finally! My Naruto fanfic is done!"
3. YOU MUST THINK THAT UPLOADING FILES IS COOL
Oh yes, writing an article is only the tip of the iceberg for the true retro junk experience outside of the forums. You've got countless hours of retro cartoons on video. Make that collection pay off! Lord knows you don't have any bragging rights until you can say "you know those 12 versions of the Japanese intro to Pokemon you just watched on the site? Those are mine!" Before long, you'll be joining the few hundred elite who can say they've uploaded over 50,000 intros.
“1,546,987 and countingâ€
2 YOU MUST THINK THAT ADDING QUOTES IS COOL
You've spent countless hours watching episode after episode of retro themed tv, eh? Feeling like your head is going to burst with all the zany dialogue you've memorized? Hell man, for the good of retro junkies everywhere, start adding them quotes. Nothing says successful retro junkie like trying to fit 3 pages worth of sitcom script into a 2 inch wide box. Be sure not just to use your complete disrespect for the English language on your articles. Make sure all of your completely shitty grammar shines through here as well.
{insert half a script here}
1. DUMMDADADUMDADUMDUMDAAAAA
Now, to present to the number one step to becoming a successful retro junk member, I give you the reanimated corpse of Dr. Sigmund Freud. Doctor...Sigmund wrote:Tank you, tank you. In my many years of studying ze retro junk, I have discovered zat there is one true step to becoming ze ultimate retro junk user. And zat is, you must have ze assburgers. One can have some of ze other steps. One can have all of ze other steps. But one cannot be a truly retro junk until they have ze assburgers, yes.
"Perhaps ze asparagus represents repressed feelings for your mother, yes?"
Thank you Doctor. Truly enlightening. Assburgers. Known to some as asparagus, to others as the ass burglars. No matter how you say it, this is the one true defining quality found in all successful retro junk members. Know that if you truly want to be a retro junkie, you too must come down with this fictional excuse for being an antisocial geek. Good night and God bless.
"Tastes good and good for you!"
Vertex: "Go fuck yourself, retrojunk."Are you sure you want to delete this post? Yes | No
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