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 Released: 1996
The second film of the �Tales from the Crypt� franchise finds comedian Dennis Miller investigating disappearing horny young men and dueling with buxom vampires in a whorehouse.
Our post-mortem host, The Cryptkeeper, introduces the tale of a most unusual house set back in the woods of a small, unnamed town. And hence, our story begins.
The film�s plot centers around the revival of a four-hundred year-old vampress named Lilith, whose heart is reconstructed by Reverend Jimmy Current and his assistant, Vincent Prather, who find her at one of the four corners of the earth. Of course, Current and Prather do what any of us would do if we discovered a centuries-old vampress in an unnamed country�they make her the proprietor of a bordello that poses as a mortuary by day. Local horny young men begin disappearing in numbers. This fact hits home when rebellious Kaleb (Corey Feldman), the younger brother of Katherine (Erika Elaniak), goes missing. After the police tell her their caseload is too large to accommodate her missing brother (they probably put it on the back burner, behind tonight�s dinner, judging by the officer�s girth). Her tale of woe peaks the interest of Rafe Guttman (Dennis Miller), a seedy private detective. Guttman is actually a nice guy; he just has an interesting way of showing it.
Katherine reluctantly hires Rafe, and he begins his search. He goes to Kaleb�s haunt, a bar, where all the young men go. This is where he finds out from a bar patron about the �Cunningham Wake,� and decides he must check it out. During the day, there�s a funeral (Rafe observes a group of pall bearers struggling under the weight of a heavy casket��Wow, I guess she was a heavy weight�), and goes to find Katherine. His conclusion�Kaleb is at a whorehouse�a �house with whores.� Katherine pays Rafe for his services, but he decides to investigate further, a path that takes him into the basement of the mortuary�a full-service brothel of buxom women, a seedy bar, and a dark, damp, warehouse. This movie likes dark places.
Katherine and Rafe receive a distressed phone call from Kaleb. This sends our hero and his perpetual love interest to a dark, damp, deserted warehouse, where Kaleb is found looking rather dead (I mean, he is laying there unresponsive, after all). He then jumps up, startling out supposedly fearless hero and his love interest, sending them running. Their attempt to escape from the undead Kaleb sends our hero swinging on a chain that crashes through a large window, and crashing onto Noonan�s police car, rendering him unconscious.
Our hero winds up in a hospital chained to his bed (obviously this is a medical hospital, but perhaps he is chained to the bed for his own �safety��perhaps he was babbling something about vampires walking among us�that would justify being chained up). A nurse arrives in the room, and good-old convenient Officer Noonan follows her over to a curtained patient when she asks for help. When Noonan slumps to the floor, dead, Rafe is terrified to find that the nurse is a vampress. Notably, the vampress that tried to seduce him--Tammy. But, he knows he must kill her. Jabbing her in the forehead with an intravenous line doesn�t work, so he does what anyone would do in his situation--he runs her into a sun-filtered window with a medicine cart. As she begins to fry from the sun, Rafe does his infamous run and hides behind his bed, as she explodes. Rafe then leaves the hospital (not sure if he escapes or is released�I think if he was babbling stuff about vampires running amok, he wouldn�t get released any time soon), and attempts to send the vampresses to their eternal sleep. Can he do it? Do you have another twenty-five minutes or so of sanity to spare? Sure you do�you don�t want to miss the film�s bloody finish.
So, if you like moderate (ok, abundant) nudity, Super Soakers, lazers, Dennis Miller, vampires, or the horror/comedy genre in general,then strap on the medieval torture device, grab your Super Soaker, your sexiest lingerie, and settle in for the trashiest vampire flick you�ll ever try to deny you saw. And don�t forget to ask for the �Cunningham Wake.�
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