Married ... with Children Quotes
      Al Bundy:
      I'm going to sit down and watch the news, and when it's all over I want some form of dead animal on my plate.
        Buddy, Buddy, Buddy Burgers, made with love... and lard! - Buddy Burgers jingle
          Kelly: "Well, Dad, I guess this is au revoir. Mom, adidas."
            Al: "Peg, I'm not a cartoon; I'm almost a human being, dammit!"
              Al: "I'm blind and I smell like summer rain!"
                Fat woman 1: We're activists Mr. Bundy
                Al: Apparantly not active enough
                Fat woman 2: We marched yesterday
                Al:What was it? Hams across America? The Million Pound march?
                  "Mazuzu"-The Aliens
                    Peggy: I thought a man's home was his castle?
                    Al: That's only if he can slay the dragon living there first
                      Kelly: You'll never guess what I got.
                      Bud: A better game would be guess what you haven't got. I'll take virginity for $100, Alex.
                      Kelly: That's funny, nobody will take yours for less than a thousand.
                        Al: "I Care" by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a Mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not her's, I care. When the pitcher's on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays, I swear!
                          Al: Peg, this is my house. If you want it to look better, dust. If you want it to smell better, cook. If you want it to be happy, leave. But do not touch this house, I am not a man happy with change.
                          Peggy: Well, that explains your job and your underwear.
                            Al: A fat woman clip-clopped into the shoe store today, said, "I'd like something I'd be comfortable in." I said, "Try Wyoming!"
                              Al: My toilet's not a man! My Ferguson has become...Fergie!
                                Peggy: Look, why don't you at least try the new bathroom, I put a very special feature on it. When you flush the toilet, it plays "We've Only Just Begun."
                                Al: Peg, you know that's our wedding song! Everytime I hear it, it freezes up my innards solid!
                                  [to Peggy]
                                  Al: I'm gonna get me a Big Boy socket wrench set. Man, it's gonna be great. I'll go around this house and tighten more nuts than you did in high school.
                                    [to God]
                                    Al: Thank you. Not even this, huh? What is it? Is Oprah right? Are you a big, fat woman? All I wanted was a 45, a stinkin' 45! The record or the gun! Hell, I'd even settle for the damn malt liquor!
                                      Peggy: Al, what should we name the baby?
                                      Al: The Reaper?
                                        Kelly: Why doesn't the world explode into a firey, pus-filled death? A fat woman comes to the gate today, her mu-mu covering what must've been three or four heinies. Now, she could exit through the little, itsy-bitsy turnstyle or a huge gate. Guess which one she chooses. A line was forming, so I had to do something. So I got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke "Let's Get Big" exhibit, and oiled her up. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hot-wired the Enterprise, and sent it up where no man has gone before. She goes flying like a vegetable out of Dad's mouth, right into the Facts of Life fan club pavillion. Thank god it's always empty. Can somebody give me a reason to live?
                                          [after knocking Peggy up]
                                          Al: God, I feel like Exxon, one spill, I'm paying for it the rest of my life.
                                            Al: Ooh, Peg, look, car bras.
                                            Peggy: The Dodge does not need a car bra.
                                            Al: Oh, it's not for the Dodge, Peg. No, it's for your mom. See, it's even in her size -- "Astrovan."