The Critic Quotes
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    20641
      Eleanor Sherman (closing out her and husband Franklin's segment in a video will): "Remember us, dears."
      20640
        "He won't steal the silverware, I've glued that to the ceiling."

        -Franklin
        20639
          "make him SQUEAL!"

          -Duke
          20638
            Hatchie MATCHIE!

            -Jay
            20637
              Shrimp gives me gas.
              Jay Sherman
              20636
                Duke: I think you're a big, fat toilet and flush all my money down...sort of a "Johnny Cash."
                20635
                  Jay: Skull cracked. Brains leaking out. Can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie.
                  20634
                    Jay: Celebrity voices are impersonated. No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
                    20633
                      Jay: Hotchie Motchie!
                      20632
                        [on phone]
                        Eleanor: Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will, we feel you already have enough money. Oh yes, and happy birthday!
                        20631
                          Duke: I'm giving you five days of my time to turn you around.
                          Jay: What if five days isn't enough?
                          Duke: Son, I spent just three days with a young man named Bill Clinton and look at him now.
                          Jay: Maybe you should've taken four.
                          Duke: Yeah...
                          20630
                            Jay: Take your genitalia right back to Australia!
                            20629
                              Jay: I always have to look my sexiest. That's why I'm wearing these tight, size 42 pants.
                              20628
                                Duke: Look, this isn't art, it's just mindless pabulum for losers who can barely read. Oh that reminds me, I've got an interview with People Magazine.
                                20627
                                  Gene Siskel: Well I thought that movie was very poignant. Particularly the scene where Tom Cruise walks around Las Vegas with a bucket full of his brother.
                                  Roger Ebert: Aw, c'mon, Gene. That was just another pointless sequel that didn't need to be made.
                                  Gene Siskel: This, from the man who liked 'Benji the Hunted?'
                                  Roger Ebert: Hey, you liked 'Carnosaur!'
                                  Gene Siskel: Well I bet you'll like this!
                                  [punches thrown]
                                  Gene Siskel: Hasta la vista, Porky!
                                  Roger Ebert: Cue ball in the side pocket!
                                  [punches thrown]
                                  20626
                                    Eleanor: Oh! Can't one dinner pass where we don't talk about your rotting corpse?
                                    20625
                                      Jay: On the 'Shermometer' this film rates an absolute zero! ::Brrrr!::
                                      20624
                                        Jay: I do have a way with women...over sixty.
                                        20623
                                          Shakleford: I'm sorry, Master Jay, I did so want to scrub your dainties, but they somehow caught fire. Why do they burn so long?
                                          20622
                                            Adolf Hitmaker: If you want the world to love you you must be big and jolly like Santa Claus or Rush Limbaugh.