Home Improvement Quotes
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    33662
      Tim:
      Al, what's the first thing you do when you get up?
      Al:
      I say to myself "Oh boy, another wonderful day of working side-by-side with Tim!"
      Tim:
      OK, what's the second thing you do, Al?
      Al:
      I consider calling in sick.
      33430
        Al:
        I don't think so, Tim!
        30982
          Wilson:
          Hidy-ho, Tim!
          30964
            Heidi:
            Does anybody know what time it is?
            Audience:
            Tool time!
            Heidi:
            That's right, Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Toolman" Taylor!
            19717
              Tim: A woman? You brought me here to see a woman?
              Jill: I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town.
              Tim: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in Manland?
              Jill: "Manland"? Now you got a theme park between your legs?
              19716
                Tim: A woman? You brought me here to see a woman?
                Jill: I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town.
                Tim: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in Manland?
                Jill: "Manland"? Now you got a theme park between your legs?
                19715
                  Al: I think one of these days, you're going to run out of flannel jokes.
                  Tim: I don't think so, Al. Not with my "Complete Flannel Joke Book".
                  [Tim pulls out a heavy dictionary-sized hardcover book labelled "The Complete Flannel Joke Book" from behind a prop and opens it]
                  Tim: "Why did the flannel cross the road? 'Cause Al was over there!" "Oh waiter, there's a fly in my flannel!" "Please... take my flannel!"
                  [Al snatches the book from Tim]
                  Tim: Then there's your handy wallet-sized version!
                  [Tim pulls a tiny hardcover book of the same color out of his pocket]
                  Tim: "How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense?"
                  [Al snatches the second book]
                  Tim: See you tomorrow!
                  19714
                    I think men have a lot in common with babies. We get cranky when our dinner isn't ready on time, we like to take naps in the afternoon, and I don't know any man who doesn't love a spirited game of peek-a-boo."
                    -Tim
                    19713
                      "Tim is at his most romantic during the Dollar Days sale at Sears. All I have to do is wear a negligee and hold up a tool catalogue."
                      -Jill
                      19712
                        "Dad, I don't need to go to the emergency room."
                        "That's what I usually tell Al."
                        "Well, how does he get you to go?" "I don't know. I'm usually passed out by then."
                        -Randy and Tim
                        19711
                          "Brace yourself Tim, something awful has happened."
                          "What, you saw your mom in the shower?"
                          -Al and Tim
                          19710
                            "There was one time I really got him steamed up, though. I was nine. He finally let me play with his butane torch."
                            "Well, what happened?" "I got to ride in a firetruck. And we got a new garage."
                            -Tim and Randy
                            19709
                              "This is junior high, you have to work a lot harder to impress the girls."
                              "So sticking straws up your nose doesn't work anymore?"
                              -Brad and Randy
                              19708
                                "I think of everything in this house as ours."
                                "What about the tools?"
                                "The tools are ours, I just don't want you touching them."
                                -Tim and Jill
                                19707
                                  "Me and Randy are going to the basement to get some old toys for the shelter. We'll take them down in this trash bag."
                                  "Why, that is a wonderful idea! Just take anything you don't play with anymore."
                                  "Okay. Mark, hop in."
                                  -Brad and Jill
                                  19706
                                    "Jill, you don't understand. I can't call him and talk about this. Men do not call each other and talk about relationships."
                                    "Well, they talk about sex."
                                    "So, that has nothing to do with relationships. . . Except in ours."
                                    "Until now. "
                                    -Tim and Jill
                                    19705
                                      "Jill, you don't understand. I can't call him and talk about this. Men do not call each other and talk about relationships."
                                      "Well, they talk about sex."
                                      "So, that has nothing to do with relationships. . . Except in ours."
                                      "Until now. "
                                      -Tim and Jill
                                      19704
                                        "The rental house manager has guaranteed me that I have the scariest looking costume that they have ever had."
                                        "They've got a costume that looks like you at 7 A.M.?"
                                        -Jill and Tim
                                        19703
                                          "I don't want to be a nagging wife."
                                          "Then how will I recognize you?"
                                          -Jill and Tim
                                          19702
                                            "Man's speakers, that's what I'm after. Speakers with attitude. Speakers that haven't shaved in a couple of days."
                                            -Tim