National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Quotes
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    3149
      Grandma Nora: Sweetheart, your grandma Nora's got a real painful burr on my heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter. Okay?
      Russ: [scared] A quarter. A whole quarter!
      Grandma Nora: And, I'll give Audrey a quarter too, Audrey!
      3148
        Russ: Dad, did you bring a saw?
        3147
          Russ: "Dad, didn't they invent Christmas tree lots so people wouldn't have to drive all the way out to nowhere and waste a whole Saturday?"
          Clark: "They invented them, Russ, because people forgot how to have a fun old fashioned family Christmas, and are satisfied with scrawny, dead, overpriced trees that have no special meaning."
          Audrey: "My toes are numb."
          Clark: "You see kids, this is what our fore fathers did."
          Audrey: "I can't feel my legs."
          Clark: "They walked out into the woods, they picked out that special tree and they cut it down with their bare hands."
          Audrey: "Mom, I can't feel my hips!"
          Ellen: "Clark."
          Clark: "Yes honey?"
          Ellen: "Audrey's frozen from the waste down."
          Clark: "Ah, it's all part of the experience honey."
          3146
            Ellen: "Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, and forgive my husband, he knows not what he does."
            Clark: "Amen!"
            Ellen: "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!"
            Clark: "We made pretty good time."
            3145
              Clark: "We're all right. Thank God we're all right."
              Ellen: "Clark, we're stuck under a truck."
              Clark: "Do you honestly think I don't know that?"
              Audrey: "Come on you guys, don't fight."
              Clark: "For Christ's sake, I didn't do this on purpose."
              3144
                Clark: "Eat my road grit, liver lips!"
                3143
                  Clark: "You want to ride behind someone who does something that? I'm going to pull around him and leave him safely behind us. Burn some dust here. Eat my Rubber!"
                  3142
                    [Snots is choking under the table making it shake]
                    Clark: Uh, Eddie? What's wrong with the dog?
                    [Snots gags again, table shakes]
                    Eddie: (Looks under table) Oh, he's just yakin' on a bone.
                    [Snots loudly coughs up the bone]
                    Eddie: He got it up.
                    Clark: Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table?
                    Eddie: No... He was probably just nosin' through the trash.
                    3141
                      Eddie: [talking about Snots] He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in 'im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if your wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish.
                      3140
                        Clark: [Handing Christmas lights to Russ] Unravel these. We need to check every bulb. [Pulls out a beach-ball sized tangle of lights] Oops. Little knot here, you can work on that. [Hands it to Russ]
                        3139
                          Clark Sr.: SQUIRREL!
                          3138
                            Clark: Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?
                            3137
                              Clark: Later dudes! Let er' rip, hang ten!
                              3136
                                Clark: Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello?
                                3135
                                  [after reaching the Griswolds' house]
                                  Aunt Bethany: Is this the airport, Clark? Is Rusty still in the Navy?
                                  3134
                                    [as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
                                    Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.
                                    3133
                                      Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.
                                      Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.
                                      Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.
                                      3132
                                        [Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear]
                                        Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
                                        Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
                                        Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold!
                                        Clark: I wasn't talking to you!
                                        3131
                                          Clark: I can't believe you're standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.
                                          Eddie: Yeah I'm excited about it too.
                                          3130
                                            Art: [to Rocky] You got a kiss for me?
                                            Eddie: Better take a rain check on that, Art - he's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet.