National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Quotes
      Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
      Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
        Eddie: Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.
          Eddie: If that cat had nine lives it sure used 'em all.
            [talking about Snot, Eddie's dog]
            Eddie: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
            Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.
              Audrey: I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.
              Art: If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it.
                Clark: "The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads. And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap. When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow, gave a luster of midday to objects below. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and... And Eddie with a man with a man in his pajamas with a dog chain tied to his wrists and ankles. What the...?"
                  [Clark has started up the chainsaw]
                  Audrey: "He's got that crazed look in his eye."
                  Russ: "I told you we should have gone to Hawaii."
                  Ellen: "Turn that thing off and get in the house!"
                    Clark: "It's the Christmas star, and that's all that matters tonight. Not bonuses, or gifts, or turkeys or trees. See kids, it means something different to everybody, and now I know what it means to me."
                    Uncle Lewis: "That ain't the firggen Christmas star, Griz. It's a light on the sewage treatment plant."
                      Mrs. Shirley: "Yes officer, it seems my husband has been abducted. The man was was wearing a blue leisure suit. And the plates were from Kansas I... He was a huge, beastly, bulging man and..."
                        Clark: [so cold his tongue begins to freeze] The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree ith a thymbol of the thpirit of the Grithwold family Chrithmath.
                          Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
                          Clark: When have I ever done that?
                          Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...
                            Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
                            Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?
                            Nora Griswold: Grace!
                            Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
                            Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
                            [Bethany shakes her head in confusion]
                            Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
                            Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
                            Clark: Amen.
                              Art: You want to hurry this up, Clark? I'm freezing my baguettes off.
                                Clark: "How can they have nothing for their children?"
                                Ellen: "Well, he's been out of work for close to seven years."
                                Clark: "In seven years, he couldn't find a job?"
                                Ellen: "Cathrine says, he's been holding out for a management position."
                                  Clark: "It's a good idea you came to stay with us, isn't it?"
                                  Ruby Sue: "I love it here. You don't got to put your coat to go to the bathroom. And your house is always parked in the same place."
                                    Eddie: "Well, don't go putting none of that stuff on my sled Clark. You know that metal plate in my head?"
                                    Clark: "Ah! How could I forget?"
                                    Eddie: "I had to have it replaced, because everytime Cathrine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about a half-hour or so. So, over at the VA, they had to replace it with a plastic one. It ain't as strong. So, I don't know if I ought to go sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic."
                                    Clark: "You really think it matters Eddie?"
                                    Eddie: "Well, see the plate runs right underneath the part here. See, over here, nothing. But, here if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't going to look right."
                                      Eddie: "Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic, getting cured off the Wild Turkey. And, the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career."
                                      Clark: "College?"
                                      Eddie: "Carnival."
                                      Clark: "You got to be proud."
                                      Eddie: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, last season he was a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-O-Whirl. He thinks that maybe next year, He'll be guessing people's weight or barking for the Yak woman. You ever see her?"
                                      Clark: "No."
                                      Eddie: "She's got these big horns growing right out above her ears. Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal. And, a hell of a good cook."
                                        [Snots is drinking from the tree's water]
                                        Clark: "Hey! Get out of there! Snots! Yo!"
                                        Eddie: "Oh, don't worry about it Clark. A little tree water ain't going to hurt him. Before we left, he drank half a quart of Penzoil. Boy, when he lifted his leg the next morning, whoa!"
                                          Cathrine: "You remember Ruby Sue?"
                                          Frances: "Oh yeah. Oh my gosh, her eyes aren't crossed anymore."
                                          Eddie: "That's something ain't it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal. I dunno."
                                            Eddie: "The house sure does look swell Clark."
                                            Clark: "Thanks Eddie. I hope it enhances you holiday spirit. Dear Catherine... Eddie?"
                                            Cathrine: "Oh, the house is gorgeous Clark."
                                            Clark: "Eddie?"
                                            Eddie: "I hope you didn't do all this on our account Clark. Kids, come on out here and see what Uncle Clark's done to the house."
                                            Clark: "Eddie?"