National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Quotes
    Close
    32550
      Todd:
      Griswold! Where are you gonna put a tree that big?
      Clark:
      Bend over and I'll show you!
      32549
        Russ:
        Dad, that thing will never fit in the front yard.
        Clark:
        It's not going in the front yard, it's going in the living room!
        31046
          Clark:
          Fixed the newel post!
          3188
            Margot: And why is the carpet all wet, TODD!?
            Todd: I don't KNOW, Margot!
            3187
              Clark Griswold: "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Chanukah."
              3186
                Clark: Aunt Bethany, would you say the grace?
                Aunt Bethany: Grace? Didn't she pass away 30 years ago?
                Uncle Lewis: He wants you to say the grace.

                Uncle Lewis (after pausing); THE BLESSSSING!!!!
                3185
                  Cousin Eddie: If you don't mind Clark, I would like to fumigate this chair.
                  Clark: You smell something Eddie?
                  Cousin Eddie: Fried pussycat.
                  3184
                    (Police knock on Margo's door)
                    Margo: Todd if you want to come back into this house you gotta break down that goddamn door!(the police break her door in)
                    3183
                      Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
                      Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
                      3182
                        Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
                        Clark: That's all part of the experience, honey.
                        3181
                          Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.
                          Clark: Nervous or excited?
                          Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.
                          Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
                          Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks
                          3180
                            Bethany: Don't throw me down, Clark.
                            Clark: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany...
                            3179
                              Ellen: What are you looking at?
                              Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
                              [Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
                              Eddie: Shitter was full.
                              Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
                              Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
                              Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
                              3178
                                Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
                                Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
                                Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.
                                3177
                                  Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.
                                  Mary: That's my name.
                                  Clark: No shit.
                                  3176
                                    Clark Griswold: Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.
                                    3175
                                      Aunt Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
                                      Clark Griswold: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.
                                      3174
                                        Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
                                        Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
                                        Clark: No, I have one of those at home.
                                        3173
                                          Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!
                                          Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?
                                          Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!
                                          3172
                                            Ellen: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.