National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Quotes
      Fixed the newel post!
        Margot: And why is the carpet all wet, TODD!?
        Todd: I don't KNOW, Margot!
          Clark Griswold: "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Chanukah."
            Clark: Aunt Bethany, would you say the grace?
            Aunt Bethany: Grace? Didn't she pass away 30 years ago?
            Uncle Lewis: He wants you to say the grace.

            Uncle Lewis (after pausing); THE BLESSSSING!!!!
              Cousin Eddie: If you don't mind Clark, I would like to fumigate this chair.
              Clark: You smell something Eddie?
              Cousin Eddie: Fried pussycat.
                (Police knock on Margo's door)
                Margo: Todd if you want to come back into this house you gotta break down that goddamn door!(the police break her door in)
                  Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
                  Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
                    Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
                    Clark: That's all part of the experience, honey.
                      Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.
                      Clark: Nervous or excited?
                      Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.
                      Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
                      Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks
                        Bethany: Don't throw me down, Clark.
                        Clark: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany...
                          Ellen: What are you looking at?
                          Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
                          [Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
                          Eddie: Shitter was full.
                          Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
                          Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
                          Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
                            Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
                            Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
                            Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.
                              Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.
                              Mary: That's my name.
                              Clark: No shit.
                                Clark Griswold: Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.
                                  Aunt Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
                                  Clark Griswold: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.
                                    Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
                                    Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
                                    Clark: No, I have one of those at home.
                                      Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!
                                      Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?
                                      Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!
                                        Ellen: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.
                                          Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
                                          Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
                                            Eddie: Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.