Family Guy Quotes
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    33448
      Brian Griffin:
      You shot me in both my knees, the lit me on fire; piss off!
      33415
        Peter:
        This is the worst thing that's happened to this town since that roving gang of Tom Brokaws!
        Tom Brokaw:
        (cut to Peter seeing a gang of him) Looks like someone's a little lost.
        33324
          Fozzie Bear:
          (deep voice) Wakka wakka, who wants to hear a funny-ass joke?
          32775
            Peter:
            Let's see what is says here. Oh sweet it says "Audi"! I'm getting a car!
            Lois:
            Peter, that says "Audit".
            Peter:
            Lois, it's a foreign car. The "t" is silent.
            32544
              Joe:
              Sorry Mr. West. We've got the whole force looking for the Griffins but we can't find them.
              Adam West:
              Not the Griffins, my Lite Brite pegs! My name isn't Adam We! Or is it? What number did you dial? Don't ever call me again! I guess I told him. Nobody messes with Adam We.
              32543
                Peter:
                Look Brian, there's a message in my Alpha-Bits. It says "oooooooo".
                Brian:
                Peter, those are Cheerios.
                32329
                  Dan Rather:
                  Good Evening, I'm Dan Rather, and tonight on CBS News, seven Saudi soldiers sodomized several of Saddam's southern settlement squatters. ssssss(whistles like tea kettle, a worker moves him to a new seat)I'm Dan Rather.
                  31759
                    Lois:
                    Peter, it's me Grimace. You got any hamburgers I can steal?
                    Peter:
                    Lois, the Hamburgular steals burgers. Grimace is Ronald McDonald's autistic friend.
                    31648
                      Peter:
                      Is that really the blood of Christ?
                      Priest:
                      Yes.
                      Peter:
                      Wow! That guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day!
                      31235
                        Lieutenant :
                        Pack up your boots and guns guys because you're being shipped off to Iraq!
                        Brian:
                        Iraq?!
                        Stewie:
                        Relax, Brian. I'm sure he means Fraggli-Roc.
                        31093
                          Meg:
                          Chris, look what you did!
                          Chris:
                          You mean look what two black teens did when they stole dad's bike.
                          31059
                            Meg:
                            This morning I had a hard poop that hurt but after that I felt better.
                            31045
                              Peter:
                              C'mon! Do math!
                              30998
                                Peter:
                                See Lois I've found out hot to kill two birds with one stone(smashes birds with rock). See, you just need small enough birds and a big enough rock. I also found out how to accomplish two goals with one action.
                                30978
                                  Stewie:
                                  Well, at least it's not raining...yeah, it's not raining.(ninja runs up and stabs him)
                                  30977
                                    Meg:
                                    Drive.
                                    Brian:
                                    Any particular direction?
                                    Meg:
                                    That way!
                                    30976
                                      Mort:
                                      Well, at least I didn't get robbed. And what can I do for you two fine black men today?
                                      30975
                                        Stewie:
                                        You know, mother. They say your life is like a box of chocolates. Your life, however is more like a box of active grenades!
                                        30945
                                          Lois:
                                          Peter, why are we stopped?
                                          Peter:
                                          Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
                                          Lois:
                                          Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby!
                                          Peter:
                                          Oh that's right...and a kid's meal...
                                          30943
                                            Peter:
                                            Is this your card?
                                            Blind guy:
                                            I don't know.
                                            Peter:
                                            Was it a red card?
                                            Blind guy:
                                            I don't know what "red" is.
                                            Peter:
                                            Ta-Dah!