Monty Python and the Holy Grail Quotes
    Close
    4510
      Sir Bedevere: "What makes you think she's a witch?"
      Peasant 3: "She turned me into a newt!"
      Sir Bedevere: "A newt?"
      Peasant 3: "I got better."
      4509
        King Arthur: "Old woman."
        Dennis: "Man!"
        King Arthur: "Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?"
        Dennis: "I'm 37."
        King Arthur: "What?"
        Dennis: "I'm 37, I'm not old."
        King Arthur: "Well, I can't just call you man."
        Dennis: "You could say Dennis."
        King Arthur: "I didn't know you were called Dennis."
        4508
          Dead Collector: "Bring out your dead!"
          4507
            King Arthur: "Camelot."
            Sir Galahad: "Camelot."
            Sir Lancelot: "Camelot."
            Patsy: "It's only a model."
            4506
              Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!
              -French Knight
              4505
                Dennis: "I mean, if I went 'round, saying I was an emperor, just because some moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"
                4504
                  "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called 'Arthur King,' you and all your silly English K-nig-hts." -- French taunter
                  4503
                    The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead.
                    [a man puts a body on the cart]
                    Large Man with Dead Body: Here's one.
                    The Dead Collector: That'll be ninepence.
                    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
                    The Dead Collector: What?
                    Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There's your ninepence.
                    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
                    The Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
                    Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.
                    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not.
                    The Dead Collector: He isn't.
                    Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
                    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm getting better.
                    Large Man with Dead Body: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
                    The Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
                    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I don't want to go on the cart.
                    Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don't be such a baby.
                    The Dead Collector: I can't take him.
                    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel fine.
                    Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, do me a favor.
                    The Dead Collector: I can't.
                    Large Man with Dead Body: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
                    The Dead Collector: I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
                    Large Man with Dead Body: Well, when's your next round?
                    The Dead Collector: Thursday.
                    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I think I'll go for a walk.
                    Large Man with Dead Body: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?
                    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel happy. I feel happy.
                    [the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]
                    Large Man with Dead Body: Ah, thank you very much.
                    The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
                    Large Man with Dead Body: Right
                    4502
                      Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
                      Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
                      Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
                      Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
                      Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
                      Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
                      Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
                      Sir Lancelot: Blue.
                      Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
                      Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
                      Sir Robin: That's easy.
                      Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
                      Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
                      Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
                      Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
                      Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
                      Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
                      Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
                      [pause]
                      Sir Robin: I don't know that.
                      [he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
                      Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh.
                      Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?
                      Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
                      Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
                      Galahad: I seek the Grail.
                      Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
                      Galahad: Blue. No, yel...
                      [he is also thrown over the edge]
                      Galahad: auuuuuuuugh.
                      Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
                      King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
                      Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
                      King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
                      Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
                      King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
                      Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that.
                      [he is thrown over]
                      Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.
                      Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
                      King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
                      4501
                        1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?
                        King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
                        1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one!
                        King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
                        1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
                        King Arthur: Yes!
                        1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You're using coconuts!
                        King Arthur: What?
                        1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
                        King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
                        1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where'd you get the coconuts?
                        King Arthur: We found them.
                        1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
                        King Arthur: What do you mean?
                        1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone
                        King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
                        1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
                        King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
                        1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
                        King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
                        1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
                        King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
                        1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
                        King Arthur: Please!
                        1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right?
                        4500
                          Minstrel: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his pen...
                          4499
                            I'm Invincible - Black Knight
                            You're a loony - King Arthur
                            4498
                              what do you want? - three headed night
                              (sings)to fight - Robin's minstrel
                              Shut up! - Brave Sir Robin
                              4497
                                Bridgekeeper: WHAT is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
                                Arthur: What do you mean, an African or a European Swallow?
                                Bridgekeeper: um..I don't know that... aieeeeeeeeee...
                                4496
                                  we're knights of the round table we dance whenever we're able we do routines and chorus scenes and footwork impecable-knights of the round table
                                  4495
                                    we're knights of the round table we dance whenever we're able we do routines and chorus scenes and footwork impecable-knights of the round table
                                    4494
                                      come back here and i'll bite your legs off!-Black night
                                      4493
                                        Knight who says Ni:
                                        Ni!
                                        -Knight who says Ni
                                        4492
                                          King Arthur:
                                          JESUS CHRIST!
                                          -King Arthur
                                          4491
                                            God:
                                            Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy."
                                            -God