The Santa Clause Quotes
      Dad, you went in that chimney? How did it feel?
      It felt like "America's Most Wanted"!
        Police Chief:
        Okay, everybody. This our perpetrator. Scott Calvin, age 38. Believes himself to be Santa Claus! This one won't be easy to find!
        But won't the red suit and white beard give him away?
          Scott:"1-800-SPANK ME?!"
            (the chimney spits up Scott)
            Charlie: Whoa, how did you do that? What did it feel like Dad?
            Scott Calvin: It felt like America's Most Wanted. Now pull me in quick..we gotta get out of here. How do you start this thing? (pulls the sleigh ropes) I guess like that.(flies off to the next house)
              Scott Calvin: Yeah, well, look at my hair. It's turning grey.
              Dr. Pete Novos: Oh, it's middle age, buddy. It happens. And with that body, you should be thankful you have hair. Look, if it bothers you, you can dye it - and you should DIET!
                Dr. Pete Novos: I don't know, Scott. You're as healthy as a horse.
                Scott Calvin: Yeah!(slaps and rubs his belly) Clydesdale!
                Dr. Pete Novos: So what? You put on a little weight.
                Scott Calvin: Weight? Does this look like a little weight to you?(stands up and starts shaking his belly)
                Dr. Pete Novos: Weight can fluctuate from year to year.
                Dr. Pete Novos: Fluctuate? You make it sound like I'm retaining water. I've gained 45 pounds in a week. Pete, what's happening to me?
                Dr. Pete Novos: Well, what's your diet like?
                Scott Calvin: Milk and cookies.
                Dr. Pete Novos: Really?
                Scott Calvin: But I don't finish all the milk.
                Dr. Pete Novos: Well then there is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets, okay?
                  (Comet farts by Scott)
                  Scott: Easy, Rudolph.
                  (Comet growls)
                  Scott: Excuse me, Comet.
                  Charlie: Dad! Check out Santa's sleigh.
                  Scott: There's no such thing as Santa's sleigh.
                  Charlie: Sure there is. You said you believed in Santa, right?
                  Scott: I did? I do.
                  Charlie: What about the reindeer? These are Santa's reindeer, aren't they?
                  Scott: I hope not. These are, uh, a gift. Probably from the cable company.We're getting the Disney Channel now. Merry Christmas. Now, hop out of there, please.
                  Charlie: I don't wanna go.
                  Scott: Listen, Charlie. I'm not kidding. Let's go!
                  (reindeer fly off the roof)
                  Scott: Whoa! Whoa!
                  Charlie: Yeah! Let's go! Whoa!
                  Scott: Charlie! Hold on, Charlie! Whoa!
                  Charlie: Giddyap, Comet! Whoa, let's go! Dad! Climb up here!
                  Scott:There we go!So, uh, if we go straight on this road, and we hit I94..
                  (on a roof)
                  Scot: Well, we made good time. Now what do we do?
                  Charlie: Get the bag of toys.
                  Scott: And do what?
                  Charlie: Go down the chimney.
                  Scott: Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house in my underwear?
                  Charlie: No. You gotta put the suit on first.
                  Scott: You know what we're gonna do is we're gonna get outta here, because this whole thing is stupid.
                  Charlie: How come everything I wanna do is stupid?
                  Scott: I didn't say that...................Freezing my nubs off out here, and you want me to get into a Santa costume.This is great. A Santa costume.Oh, this thing. You never know where it's been. A thousand malls.
                  Well, I hope you're happy, Comet. Hope you're happy. But most of all, I hope the guy that lives here is a tailor! Nice coat. Well, how do I look? Nice?
                  Charlie: You forgot the sash.
                  Scott: You're right. This completes the ensemble. All right. Got my boots. Now I've got the suit on. How am I supposed to know what to leave?
                  Charlie: Maybe there's a list.
                  Scott: A list. How silly of me. Of course there's a list.
                  (Scott floats to the chimney unexpectadely)
                  Charlie: Careful, Dad!
                  Scott: I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay!
                  Charlie: Look! You're flying!
                  Scott: It's okay. I'm used to it. I lived through the '60s. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
                  (Scott goes down the square chimney and squeezes together then falls and lands on the floor inside on his behind)
                    Scott: "This could be a really long night."

                    Charlie: "Do it again, Dad. Please."

                    Scott: "I can't. That thing's empty. There's nothin' in the bag. Even if there was, d-didn't you notice there's no chimney? Where there's no chimney, there's no fireplace."

                    Comet: (growling at Scott)

                    Scott: "Are you growling at me? Look, Comet, like I said, there is nothing left-- That's so weird, 'cause I know when I did-- that-- No, no, no, no, no! Hold it! There's no chimney here. Can you hear me? No chimney, all right?" (hovers over the thin pipe)

                    Charlie: "Lookin' good, Dad."

                    Scott: "You have got to be kidding! Come on! Look at the size of this thing! Mmmmm...aweawe...."
                      Neil and Charlie:
                      Neil: "Charlie, he is *not* Santa!"
                      Charlie: "He is *too* Santa!"
                      -Neil and Charlie
                        Scott Calvin:
                        Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! When I get home, I'm getting a CAT scan!"
                        -Scott Calvin
                          Sarah and Scott Calvin:
                          Sarah: "How come your clothes are so baggy?"
                          Scott Calvin: "Because Santa is...watching his saturated fats."
                          Sarah: "How come you don't have a beard?"
                          Scott: "Because I shaved!"
                          -Sarah and Scott Calvin
                            Just because you can't see something, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
                              Scott Calvin:
                              Charlie stay away from those things. You don't know where they've been. They all look like they've got key lime disease.
                              -Scott Calvin