The Santa Clause Quotes
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    33012
      Scott:
      Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night, and when I get home, I'm getting a CAT scan!
      32970
        Charlie:
        Dad, you went in that chimney? How did it feel?
        Scott:
        It felt like "America's Most Wanted"!
        31238
          Police Chief:
          Okay, everybody. This our perpetrator. Scott Calvin, age 38. Believes himself to be Santa Claus! This one won't be easy to find!
          Officer:
          But won't the red suit and white beard give him away?
          11462
            Scott:"1-800-SPANK ME?!"
            11461
              (the chimney spits up Scott)
              Charlie: Whoa, how did you do that? What did it feel like Dad?
              Scott Calvin: It felt like America's Most Wanted. Now pull me in quick..we gotta get out of here. How do you start this thing? (pulls the sleigh ropes) I guess like that.(flies off to the next house)
              11460
                Scott Calvin: Yeah, well, look at my hair. It's turning grey.
                Dr. Pete Novos: Oh, it's middle age, buddy. It happens. And with that body, you should be thankful you have hair. Look, if it bothers you, you can dye it - and you should DIET!
                11459
                  Dr. Pete Novos: I don't know, Scott. You're as healthy as a horse.
                  Scott Calvin: Yeah!(slaps and rubs his belly) Clydesdale!
                  Dr. Pete Novos: So what? You put on a little weight.
                  Scott Calvin: Weight? Does this look like a little weight to you?(stands up and starts shaking his belly)
                  Dr. Pete Novos: Weight can fluctuate from year to year.
                  Dr. Pete Novos: Fluctuate? You make it sound like I'm retaining water. I've gained 45 pounds in a week. Pete, what's happening to me?
                  Dr. Pete Novos: Well, what's your diet like?
                  Scott Calvin: Milk and cookies.
                  Dr. Pete Novos: Really?
                  Scott Calvin: But I don't finish all the milk.
                  Dr. Pete Novos: Well then there is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets, okay?
                  11458
                    (Comet farts by Scott)
                    Scott: Easy, Rudolph.
                    (Comet growls)
                    Scott: Excuse me, Comet.
                    Charlie: Dad! Check out Santa's sleigh.
                    Scott: There's no such thing as Santa's sleigh.
                    Charlie: Sure there is. You said you believed in Santa, right?
                    Scott: I did? I do.
                    Charlie: What about the reindeer? These are Santa's reindeer, aren't they?
                    Scott: I hope not. These are, uh, a gift. Probably from the cable company.We're getting the Disney Channel now. Merry Christmas. Now, hop out of there, please.
                    Charlie: I don't wanna go.
                    Scott: Listen, Charlie. I'm not kidding. Let's go!
                    (reindeer fly off the roof)
                    Scott: Whoa! Whoa!
                    Charlie: Yeah! Let's go! Whoa!
                    Scott: Charlie! Hold on, Charlie! Whoa!
                    Charlie: Giddyap, Comet! Whoa, let's go! Dad! Climb up here!
                    Scott:There we go!So, uh, if we go straight on this road, and we hit I94..
                    (on a roof)
                    Scot: Well, we made good time. Now what do we do?
                    Charlie: Get the bag of toys.
                    Scott: And do what?
                    Charlie: Go down the chimney.
                    Scott: Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house in my underwear?
                    Charlie: No. You gotta put the suit on first.
                    Scott: You know what we're gonna do is we're gonna get outta here, because this whole thing is stupid.
                    Charlie: How come everything I wanna do is stupid?
                    Scott: I didn't say that...................Freezing my nubs off out here, and you want me to get into a Santa costume.This is great. A Santa costume.Oh, this thing. You never know where it's been. A thousand malls.
                    Well, I hope you're happy, Comet. Hope you're happy. But most of all, I hope the guy that lives here is a tailor! Nice coat. Well, how do I look? Nice?
                    Charlie: You forgot the sash.
                    Scott: You're right. This completes the ensemble. All right. Got my boots. Now I've got the suit on. How am I supposed to know what to leave?
                    Charlie: Maybe there's a list.
                    Scott: A list. How silly of me. Of course there's a list.
                    (Scott floats to the chimney unexpectadely)
                    Charlie: Careful, Dad!
                    Scott: I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay!
                    Charlie: Look! You're flying!
                    Scott: It's okay. I'm used to it. I lived through the '60s. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
                    (Scott goes down the square chimney and squeezes together then falls and lands on the floor inside on his behind)
                    11457
                      Scott: "This could be a really long night."

                      Charlie: "Do it again, Dad. Please."

                      Scott: "I can't. That thing's empty. There's nothin' in the bag. Even if there was, d-didn't you notice there's no chimney? Where there's no chimney, there's no fireplace."

                      Comet: (growling at Scott)

                      Scott: "Are you growling at me? Look, Comet, like I said, there is nothing left-- That's so weird, 'cause I know when I did-- that-- No, no, no, no, no! Hold it! There's no chimney here. Can you hear me? No chimney, all right?" (hovers over the thin pipe)

                      Charlie: "Lookin' good, Dad."

                      Scott: "You have got to be kidding! Come on! Look at the size of this thing! Mmmmm...aweawe...."
                      11456
                        Neil and Charlie:
                        Neil: "Charlie, he is *not* Santa!"
                        Charlie: "He is *too* Santa!"
                        -Neil and Charlie
                        11455
                          Scott Calvin:
                          Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! When I get home, I'm getting a CAT scan!"
                          -Scott Calvin
                          11454
                            Sarah and Scott Calvin:
                            Sarah: "How come your clothes are so baggy?"
                            Scott Calvin: "Because Santa is...watching his saturated fats."
                            Sarah: "How come you don't have a beard?"
                            Scott: "Because I shaved!"
                            -Sarah and Scott Calvin
                            11453
                              Charlie:
                              Just because you can't see something, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
                              -Charlie
                              11452
                                Scott Calvin:
                                Charlie stay away from those things. You don't know where they've been. They all look like they've got key lime disease.
                                -Scott Calvin