National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Quotes
      Griswold! Where are you gonna put a tree that big?
      Bend over and I'll show you!
        Dad, that thing will never fit in the front yard.
        It's not going in the front yard, it's going in the living room!
          Fixed the newel post!
            Margot: And why is the carpet all wet, TODD!?
            Todd: I don't KNOW, Margot!
              Clark Griswold: "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Chanukah."
                Clark: Aunt Bethany, would you say the grace?
                Aunt Bethany: Grace? Didn't she pass away 30 years ago?
                Uncle Lewis: He wants you to say the grace.

                Uncle Lewis (after pausing); THE BLESSSSING!!!!
                  Cousin Eddie: If you don't mind Clark, I would like to fumigate this chair.
                  Clark: You smell something Eddie?
                  Cousin Eddie: Fried pussycat.
                    (Police knock on Margo's door)
                    Margo: Todd if you want to come back into this house you gotta break down that goddamn door!(the police break her door in)
                      Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
                      Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
                        Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
                        Clark: That's all part of the experience, honey.
                          Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous.
                          Clark: Nervous or excited?
                          Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.
                          Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
                          Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks
                            Bethany: Don't throw me down, Clark.
                            Clark: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany...
                              Ellen: What are you looking at?
                              Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
                              [Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
                              Eddie: Shitter was full.
                              Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
                              Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
                              Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
                                Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
                                Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
                                Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.
                                  Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.
                                  Mary: That's my name.
                                  Clark: No shit.
                                    Clark Griswold: Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.
                                      Aunt Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
                                      Clark Griswold: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.
                                        Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
                                        Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
                                        Clark: No, I have one of those at home.
                                          Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!
                                          Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?
                                          Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!
                                            Ellen: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.