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10807
Good Luck, Father Ted
    Season 1Episode 1
    A producer from a Telly Éireann television programme, Faith of our Fathers, phones the parochial house offering to interview Ted for an episode about priests who work in remote areas. Ted is only too happy to be interviewed, but doesn't want either of the other priests to also have the privilege (also fearing embarrassment), and tells the producer that he is the only priest living on Craggy Island.
    Dougal is set on going to 'Fun Land,' a funfair taking place in 'The Field' - which isn't actually a field, but merely a place containing fewer rocks than any other place on the island. Ted discourages this, as priests are expected to demonstrate restraint, ironic given his fixation on his upcoming television appearance. However, as Ted is trying desperately to get to 'The Field' where he is about to be interviewed, he forgets that 'Fun Land' is also there.
    When they arrive at 'Fun Land' it is shown in reality to be an extremely boring place with highly mundane attractions. Ted is spotted by Dougal, who calls him over. Ted at first asks why Dougal is here instead of taking Jack for his walk to the cliffs; Dougal initially replies "they were closed", and then upon hearing Ted's scepticism changes to "they were gone" due to erosion. Ted tries his best to usher the pair away, so that he can be interviewed in peace.
    Whilst Ted takes Dougal away to tell him how seriously Catholicism should be taken, Father Jack runs off. They split up to try and find him; Ted sees Jack sitting on a bench, asleep, and sits down with him for a moment. The bench, however, is actually the "Crane of Death" (so called because a young man was killed on it the year before), which is lifted high off the ground by a crane. Ted stands up to take Father Jack back to his wheelchair, but suddenly realises he is in the air, and sits back down.
    As all of this has been taking place, Dougal has met the television crew, and, as Ted has stated he is the island's only priest, they assume he is Father Ted. On seeing this, Ted, still sitting on the bench in mid-air, decides he has to do something, so throws himself to the ground, severely injuring himself.
    The episode ends with Ted, Jack, Dougal and Mrs Doyle watching Dougal's interview, in which he expresses his doubts about Christianity and says that he does not know whether he believes in organised religion, as well as relating elements of a nonsensical dream he has confused with reality. As he is seen on the TV, the on-screen caption reads "Father Ted Crilly". However, Jack takes offence at Dougal's on-screen self, and destroys the device with a hurled liquor bottle.
    10805
    Entertaining Father Stone
      Season 1Episode 2
      Ted announces to a horrified Dougal that Father Paul Stone has come for his holidays. For the preceding six years, Father Stone has visited the parochial house; he is extremely boring and is totally unable to hold a conversation, giving one-sentence answers at the most and dominating the room with his awkward protracted silences. To try to stop him from coming, Ted told Father Stone incredible lies, but this failed to deter him.
      Ted and Dougal attempt to make Father Stone leave; they say that they're going on holidays, but he offers to mind the house while they're gone. Having to think of a new excuse quickly, Dougal says that they are having the paintings re-hung, which will prevent anyone from remaining in the house for that period because of the danger this brings. Father Jack fails to take well to the news that Father Stone is there as well and punches Ted through a window. Paul at one point even follows Ted into the bathroom, who is having a bath at the time, in order to use the toilet.
      Whilst in their beds that afternoon or evening, having retired for the night extremely early to avoid further contact with Father Stone, Ted and Dougal begin looking over Father Stone's previous visits and their outlandish attempts to avoid contact with him. Ted says Paul will definitely be gone by Ted's birthday party, which is three weeks away. However, Father Stone does stay for the party, sucking all of the life out of it. Ted becomes so desperate that he prays to God to get rid of Father Stone, any way that he can. The following day, in a thunderstorm, Ted and Dougal go to the Crazy Golf Course, maintaining that even that is better than being with Father Stone. However, he turns up. They encourage him to have a go. As he gets ready to swing, he holds the golf club up high, and is struck by lightning.
      At the local hospital, Ted and Dougal wait for news on Father Stone's condition. Dougal demonstrates his stupidity by asserting that he is unsure why someone would need serious medical attention after being struck by lightning. Ted and Dougal then go in to see Father Stone: he is wearing red pyjamas, standing up, still holding the golf club, but he is not responding to any stimulus and is in shock.
      Father Stone's parents and maternal grandmother arrive, with his father very apologetic for his son's behaviour, scolding him for upsetting his mother like this, and saying it would have been better if he had been killed. Paul's grandmother says quietly to Ted that she knows what he is up to. His mother then tells Ted what a hero he is to Father Stone; to Ted's surprise, when he returns from visiting Craggy Island, Paul is constantly talking and telling his parents about his stay. He even counts the days until his next holiday on a calendar with Ted's picture on it and has drawn an elaborate picture of himself and Ted.
      This makes Ted feel very guilty about having prayed for Father Stone to leave, and scared that the grandmother seems to know what he did. Ted begins praying at Father Stone's bedside, saying that Paul can stay for as long as he wants, that he will look after him "until the end of his days". Dougal tries to intervene but Ted continues regardless. After a brief interval, Father Stone regains consciousness, and is his old self again, giving one-word answers. Finally, we see that Father Stone, as promised, has been allowed to stay on Craggy Island. A faint smile breaks across his face.
      10803
      The Passion of St Tibulus
        Season 1Episode 3
        Father Hernandez, from Cuba, is staying on Craggy Island. During a game of Cluedo, Father Hernandez, seeing Mrs Doyle, confesses he sometimes finds the life of celibacy difficult, at which point Ted mentions Bishop Brennan, who is rumoured to have a son who lives in America.
        The next day, Brennan himself arrives unexpectedly at the parochial house. Ted hopes that it's because they're being sent back to their original parishes, but Brennan swiftly dashes this hope: they're not going anywhere after the incidents that put them there in the first place (Ted stole money that was supposed to send a child to 'Lourdes' and lost it all on a gambling spree in Las Vegas, a disastrous wedding in Athlone for Jack and the 'Blackrock incident' for Dougal that "irreparably damaged" the lives of several nuns). Instead, Len has another reason for visiting: The Passion of St Tibulus, a film condemned by the Pope as "blasphemous" and banned everywhere else, is being shown on Craggy Island because of an unknown loophole. He declares the Catholic Church must be seen to make a stand on this matter, and orders Ted and the others to sort things out as quickly as possible, especially given that he has been recalled from his holiday in California to deal with it.
        Ted and Dougal go to the local cinema and find only two other people watching the film, one of whom leaves because the film is in French, dubbed and not subtitled. Originally, they plan to protest before the film begins, but after a polite request from Michael the cinema manager, they agree to watch it peacefully and be thrown out afterwards (to be seen "making a fuss").
        That night, Ted and Dougal discuss the film, and rather than debate its ethical or theological aspects, simply agree the film was difficult to understand and inaccurate, as well as sexually explicit. The next morning, the pair decide they'll take their time going down to the cinema and protesting: however, Bishop Brennan returns and orders them to start protesting immediately. Bemoaning the fact that there are still seven hours before the cinema even opens, Ted and Dougal stand outside with placards reading "Down with this sort of thing" and "Careful now". Dougal then goes to the O'Learys' shop to buy a pair of handcuffs, so they can fasten themselves to the railing to gain more attention.
        Meanwhile, back at the parochial house, Bishop Brennan is looking for his travelling bag, which contains his passport "and everything". Father Jack, sitting in his chair as always, plays dumb when questioned. However, once the Bishop leaves, he produces the bag and examines it. Inside, he finds Brennan's passport, a VHS camcorder containing a video cassette labelled "Holiday '95 California" and- to his delight -a bottle of Jack Daniel's. Ted and Dougal continue protesting earnestly, but their actions have the opposite effect - people now want to see the film, attracted mainly by their protest. As islanders wander in (including Jack), Michael happily declares The Passion of St Tibulus is already the cinema's most successful film since Jurassic Park. Ted angrily realizes that no one cares what the Church says anymore, and decides to leave. Unfortunately, Dougal doesn't have the keys for the handcuffs.
        Back home - with the pair of them still handcuffed to the railing- they are scolded by Bishop Brennan for making The Passion of St Tibulus the most successful film in the island's history. People have been arriving from all over Ireland and Europe to watch it ("They're even coming from Gdańsk to see the film!"). As punishment, the three will be relocated to locations even worse than Craggy Island: Ted is being sent to an island off Surinam where two tribes have been "knocking the shit out each other" since 1907 and is supposed to unite them "in the spirit of Christian harmony" (and make arrows), Dougal is off to an area of the Philippines (which he can't spell, but he "know[s] it starts with an 'f'") bereft of sewerage systems and Jack, to somewhere Bishop Brennan swears is much worse, although Jack punches him in the face before he can reveal exactly where. On that note, Bishop Brennan leaves; Ted and Dougal are devastated, until Jack plays the Bishop's holiday video. It shows the Bishop with a woman and a young boy on a beach - his secret mistress and his son. Ted realises they can use this to blackmail the Bishop into changing his mind, and they revel in their good fortune by watching the video a few more times.
        10804
        Competition Time
          Season 1Episode 4
          With the annual "All Priests Stars in Their Eyes Lookalike Competition" nearing, Ted shows everyone his Elvis costume, only to find Dougal and Jack wearing exactly the same outfit as him. Ted had been talking about dressing as Elvis for weeks, and Dougal concedes that's "probably" where he got the idea; since reasoning with him is nigh on impossible, Ted accepts he will have to go as Mother Teresa again. Father Dick Byrne (from Rugged Island parochial house) calls Ted and says he has no chance of winning. But, since the judge of the competition, TV presenter Henry Sellers, is staying on Craggy Island, Ted believes that their chances of winning will improve if they are nice to him.
          When Henry Sellers arrives, Ted greets him warmly but Dougal is unable to think of anything to say. At Ted's prompting, he asks him his age, which is apparently 37. Before Mr. Sellers' arrival, Jack had drunk a bottle of Toilet Duck, causing hallucinations, and he runs away in fear when Mr. Sellers speaks to him. Mr. Sellers is accompanied there by Father Barty Dunne, a priest who laughs at the slightest of things (e.g. Jack losing his slippers), and can't maintain a proper conversation. Mr. Sellers remarks angrily that the car journey was four hours long.
          Ted offers to get Henry anything he wants, and says he means anything, but is unable to fulfill any of his requests like getting him a newspaper and lies about the nature of Rugged Island to keep Henry in the parochial house. Ted and Mrs Doyle then cajole Henry into taking a drink of sherry before bed. After one drink, he drinks heavily and becomes angry at everyone, and destroys the living room. Father Dunne discloses that Henry is a raging alcoholic, who had been "on the wagon" for a year, and that his drinking was the reason the BBC sacked him. Henry then jumps out of the window and runs off into the wilderness.
          The next day, Ted, Dougal and the island's policeman attempt to track Henry down. He is still in an alcoholic state in the woods, but now with fewer clothes. Ted makes a noise with some pans to drive Henry out into the open, allowing him to be shot with a tranquilizer dart. After Henry has sobered up at the parochial house, Ted assures him that nothing untoward happened (Henry blacked out and forgot the night's events). Dick Byrne calls Ted again, and suggests a bet of, at first £1, then £2, and finally £5, on the outcome of that night's competition. Father Jack then returns, very drunk; Dougal suggests sobering him up, but Ted says that he has an idea.
          That night at the competition, Dick Byrne and his fellow priests (who performed as Diana Ross and two of the Supremes) are in the lead with nine out of ten. Then the Craggy Island priests' entry, narrated by Ted, begins. Dougal represents the young Elvis, who "one day in the 1950s created rock and roll". Ted then appears as Elvis on his 1968 comeback special, with Jack representing the later part of his life by sitting, wearing garish clothes and confusedly holding a hamburger. This effort receives full marks from Henry, and they win the competition. Back at the parochial house Dick pays up, and then heads off back to Rugged Island. Mrs. Doyle then brings in a bottle of Champagne with four glasses. Henry takes a sip (believing it won't do any harm) and once again jumps out of the window in a drunken rage. Ted exasperatedly says they'll start looking for Henry in the morning, and he and Dougal celebrate their victory.
          10806
          Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest
            Season 1Episode 6
            Sister Monica has visited the Parochial House. As she sits calmly, Dougal's only idea for conversation is "So, you're a nun?" At that point, Ted enters, saying they plan to visit the Holy Stone of Clonrichert, and Sister Monica says she will go to freshen up. Dougal says she's wanting to "impress the lads" and is confused when Ted comments on nuns providing "a woman's touch". When Sister Monica returns, Dougal confuses her by saying "Ted says you were touching him."
            Meanwhile, in Jack's room, Jack is sitting motionless in his chair, with many bottles of alcohol and floor polish around him. He appears dead, but Dougal passes him off as merely "very drunk", saying "I haven't seen him this bad since he disappeared with Sister Imelda" ("the Blue Nun"). Dougal holds up an empty bottle of floor polish, called 'Purge: Floor Polish'. Ted lectures Jack on what "the Windolene did to you", and Sister Monica enters. She checks his pulse and says that he has died.
            Sister Monica tells Dougal to perform the last rites. He demonstrates his incompetence through a long speech, saying "I don't know if I should be looking up down here or up there, and you're up there with our Lord and Stalin and Bob Marley and my parents". When prompted by Monica to say the Latin, Dougal reads "last rites" consisting of the names of Italian footballers Alessandro Costacurta and Roberto Baggio (this stems from Graham Linehan and Ardal O'Hanlon being fans of Football Italia).
            At Jack's funeral, Mrs Doyle goes around pestering priests to have a sandwich. Meanwhile, Father Fay and another priest (who is in hysterics) and shakes his fist at the Lord, saying "You bastard!" and then falls to his knees, exclaiming "Imagine, Ted! A Polish Pope! It should've been Jack!" and Father Fay goes crazy, throwing books off the bookshelf.
            Dougal, later, then fools around, sitting in Jack's old chair and acting like him by uttering his numerous catchphrases, until Ted catches him. Mrs Doyle announces that a woman has come to see the remaining Craggy Island priests; she is Laura Sweeney, the executor of Jack's will, and tells them that Jack was actually very rich and has left IR£500,000 between Ted and Dougal. However, this bequest is on condition that they spend one night with Jack's body, because of his great fear of being buried alive and of enclosed spaces, a fear which caused him not to take confessions - "also, he just didn't want to do it". When they tell Miss Sweeney that they'll need to discuss the inheritance with the solicitor, they are greatly amused when she tells them that she is the solicitor, with Dougal telling her "if you're a solicitor, I'm Boy George".
            The next scene commences with Dougal sitting by Jack's coffin singing "Karma Chameleon", and Ted nursing wounds after Miss Sweeney flew into a rage and punched him and swore at him after they did not believe her claims that she was the solicitor. Ted and Dougal then muse about how Jack managed to save up so much money during his life, by never giving to charity and not wearing trousers during summer, among other things. They also comment on him being the first priest to "denounce the Beatles" - "he could see what they were up to". Ted also remarks that a friend of his, Father Jimmy Ranable, studied under Jack in his youth and praised his teaching methods. When Dougal asks where Jimmy is now, Ted replies "Remember the Drumshanbo massacre? That was him!?". Flashbacks are shown of Jack as an especially vicious teacher at a Catholic school, beating male students with a hurley stick, and telling them they'd burn in hell, and leering over the short-skirted female students. He is also shown punching Ted over a game of chess.
            Ted and Dougal, bored, then play charades, at which Dougal fails miserably, before they both settle down on the floor in their sleeping bags. Dougal enquires whether Ted believes in an afterlife, prompting Ted to ask Dougal if he became a priest through sending in "twelve packets of crisps". Dougal also asks how Ted plans to spend his money, with Ted lying to him by telling him he'll give it to charity, while envisioning partying and gambling.
            While Dougal sleeps, Ted gets up and looks out on the snow falling, quoting from The Dead as he does so, prompting Father Jack, standing behind him, to shout "shut the feck up!" Ted passes out from the shock of seeing him, waking Dougal, who then does the same.
            Back in the house with Jack back in his chair, Ted explains that the floor polish had brought about all the symptoms of death, but that it just wore off. The pair, clearly very disappointed at losing out on the inheritance, then head to the shops to buy some more floor polish suggesting that might start leaving it round the house or even in Jack's room, "in case we run out". The episode ends with Jack turning to camera and telling the audience to "Feck off!"