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- 7 years 2 months ago
- Posts: 4312
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ShadowProphet inspired me to do this. First of all, a little heads up. In this chapter, the story's infernal antihero, Drektur Shadowblade (whose face is in my avatar) escapes from the Abyss onto a near future Earth that has been destroyed. He has been hired by the devil lord, Beel-Zhul, to travel the interdementional gates to destroy his devilish rivals so that he will reign as the Satan (in this story Satan is the title for ruler of Hell, like king or Sultan). Unfortunatly, Drektur was also hired to assassinate Christ during his forty dy fasting in the wilderness, for which he was caught and thrown into the Abyss for. But now, more than two thousand years later, because of mankind's nuclear wars, the Abyss has been blown open, and Drektur Shadowblade has escaped. This may look a little long, but it is entertaining, and besides, what else do you have to do right now? 
A shaft of brilliant light, a thing the Dark Warrior hasn’t seen in over two thousand years, bites through the thick smoke of the abyss and it is very alien to him now. It had been too long since he had felt peace, for life in the abyss had been a constant struggle for survival, but the Dark Warrior in his never tiring glorified body had survived. How? Not even he knows, but he had managed to fight off every beast, demon and ungodly abomination since the angel threw him here over two millennium ago. Every second of every minute in the Abyss had been a fight for survival against some monstrosity threatening to devour him and leave him a puddle of tormented feces at the bottom of the pit, which is the fate of every mortal who is banished to this forsaken realm. The denizens of the Abyss are vast and monstrously bizarre. Some have a multitude of heads, others many eyes, some covered in spikes and horns, most breathing fire or toxic fumes, and others with every kind of ghastly affliction the human mind can imagine (and some beyond human imagination) but Drektur Shadowblade with his dark and powerful sword had defeated them all…
…but then comes the shaft of brilliant light,
He remembers that. It’s the lifeblood of the surface dwellers. The soul of his enemy.
Drektur launches toward the alien brilliance as if it were another enemy, for all he knows, it very well may be. It is not an immediate enemy, but an enemy to him, an enemy to his people ever since the beginning of time. It is the Sun. In the two thousand plus years he spent in the darkness, he never removed his protective goggles, so the blinding rays only make idle threats to the black irises of his eyes.
The Sun. Why is the Sun in the Abyss? Why is Drektur Shadowblade suddenly on solid ground? Where are all the deformed monstrosities that normally challenge his existence.
Agnaron, the angelic guardian of the Abyss, awaits Drektur about fifty yards form the lip of the infinitely deep hole and he finally sees him emerge from the filthy black smoke. Drektur is tall and slender. His skin is white, not the brilliant white of the robes of angels, but the dull pale white of chalky bleached bone. He has long black hair that falls strait onto his shoulders and flows behind his back. On his face he wears the black goggles of the Underlings to shield his eyes from the bright pain of the Sun. He has a thin black line tattooed on his face running from his hair line, down his forehead, under his goggles, down his nose, across his lips, then down his chin, neck and chest which is exposed underneath his black long sleeved shirt. He wears layered iron pads on his arms on top of his sleeves and on his legs on top of his black pants and boots. In his hand is the fabled cursed sword for which he is named: the Shadow Blade. It is recognizable from the hilt which resembles the head of the Underling centipede God and the fact that it appears to be breathing. This is Drektur Shadowblade, the Dark Warrior, the interloper who cannot escape.
If he escapes, it could mean total and ultimate oblivion. Agnaron, Guardian of the Abyss, knows that he cannot let that happen, “HALT! YOU WILL NOT LEAVE THE ABYSS, FIEND!”
A voice? Intelligent speech? The only speech Drectur had heard in the last two millennium had been threatening roars, screams, and cries of agony and torment. Intelligent speech is almost something he had long forgotten. He is approached by a brilliant creature whose body is covered with metallic silver flesh and brilliant green eyes. He has these green eyes below his brow like most beings of intelligence but also one on his forehead, on either cheek, two on his neck, two on his chest, six on his abdominal, a few on his legs and arms, on his feet and hands, and many more on his backside that Drektur can not make out from where he’s standing. All of his eyes are staring in anger at him so Drektur raises his dark sword in a defensive stance. As the smoke bellows towards the sky, covering it in a blanket of blackness, the creatures pour out of the pit, ready to reek havoc on the world in which they have been released upon, but the Guardian Angel challenges only the Dark Warrior.
It is not an issue. He is but one more abomination added to millions of beasts already to have threatened and been annihilated .
Agnaron once again challenges the dark warrior in a commanding voice like striking lightning, “EARTH IS TO BE DEVOURED BY THE ABYSS, AND YOU ALONG WITH IT, FIEND! YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE TO ACCOMPLISH YOUR MISSION!”
Drektur barely remembers any event from before the banishment into oblivion, much less some sort of mission, but any chance to escape from that horrific place is a change well worth taking. Drektur’s sword starts to pulse in his hand with dark energy, and at the same time Drektur feels a deep hunger for which he is all too familiar with, a want for his life, a want for his essence, a want for his blood. It is his sword, in the Abyss, it had acquired a life of its own, a hungry existence. It feeds on the life of its victims, which in turn feeds its dark powers.
In the twinkling of an eye, Agnaron’s many eyes all over his body light up with a crystalline light and erupt with a piercing ray of laser lightning. The dark magic of the sword, however, ignited and to Drektur, the light speed of the laser light slowed down drastically. The sword then almost instantly levitated a few inches beyond Drektur’s hand and rotated extremely quickly creating something like a circular shield blocking all of the electric light.
The Guardian is taken back at how fast the dark warrior is; he knew he was quick, but not that quick. However, he doesn't waste another minute contemplating it. He takes out an electric sword of brilliant energy, "PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DEMISE AND ARRIVAL BACK INTO THE ABYSS, INTERLOPER," and launches himself at the dark warrior. Drektur instantly raises his sword in a blocking position and they are both locked in combat, a sword fight between a soldier of light and a rogue of darkness. After over two thousand years Drektur was finally in a fight worth fighting with a goal worth fighting for…
Freedom.
Freedom to do what duty that fate had called for him to do.
Freedom to fulfill his dark destiny.
Freedom for vengeance.
The Guardian, too, has never had an adversary more skilled in the art of swordsmanship. He’d fought many demons and abominations in his past, but none like the dark warrior who fights him at this very moment. Every blow, is blocked. Every strike, is thrown aside. Every blast from an electrical energy bolt is reflected from the sinister steel of the blade. This master of the art of combat has had every second of every moment for the last two thousand years to train.
Drektur Shadowblade, in one long swipe, takes out the two large eyes on the chest of Agnaron. The Guardian, in a single moment of shock and disbelief that he had actually been injured, briefly lets down his guard just long enough for Drectur to make his next strike. It is a stab right though one of the eyes lining the abdomen. A split second’s worth of carelessness had been the downfall of Agnaron.
The Angel falls backward onto the sandy ground with a thud. Drektur approaches him and holds his weapon blade down with the tip only inches above the eye adorning the forehead of the Guardian. Admitting his defeat, Agnaron still speaks in a magnificent voice even though currently dying, “IT IS FINISHED!” The dark warrior then rams his blade through the Angel’s forehead and into his heavenly mind. An eruption of light explodes out of all of his many eyes as the life energy is absorbed into the dark metal of the Shadow Blade. Drektur feels the energy course through his arms, into his being and energizing his soul. All that is left of the Guardian is a soot covered shell. Drekter, now refueled with Agnaron's energy, moves onAre you sure you want to delete this post? Yes | No 
- 7 years 2 months ago
- Posts: 180
Well, since your putting it out there, here are a few tips.
- 99% of novels are written in the "past tense" (save the needs of dialogue). You keep jumping from past tense, to present tense, to past tense, to present tense, etc. It's Distracting as all heck--like trying to have a romantic cruise in a rushing rapid-filled river. Pick up a novel and see for yourself if you don't believe me.
- Never use contractions (e.g. can't, don't, etc.) outside dialogue.
- Also, less is more. Consider this passage from your story:
The figure speaks in a voice like grinding metal, “So you’ve escaped the Abyss and have come to do what you are instructed, my good servant.”
Drektur suddenly remembers this man. This man is the one who gave him the keys to the Eternal Gates to travel the expanse of time and space to eliminate his enemies. This man, if you can even call this devil a man, is Beel-Zhul.
“You,” Drektur rebukes in a deep, calm, monotone that is all too strange to his vocal chords after two thousand years, “You tricked me. You sent me on a foolish quest to eliminate the Christ when you knew I would fail. It is because of you I’m here.”
Beel-Zhul hisses forth a sinister laugh, “Yes, it is because of me that you are now so powerful.”
Drektur responds, confused, “What do you mean?”
“The Abyss has given you a glorified body, Shadowblade. You cannot die. Your spirit will never leave the confines of your body. Your sword, your beautiful black blade, has now become a part of you. The more it feeds, the stronger you become. And after two thousand years in the chaos of the Abyss, you have become strong indeed. You defeated a Guardian, Shadowblade. No mortal being ever defeats guardians, it is unheard of. Now you can defeat your and my adversaries, when before, you would not have been able to.”
Now, How about this:
“So you’ve escaped the Abyss and have come to do what you are instructed, my good servant,” the horrible thing said. Its voice was like grinding metal.
Drektur suddenly recognized it. This near-fleshless shadow of human being was Beel-Zhul--the man who gave Drektur the keys to the Eternal Gates. It was these keys which allowed Drektur to travel the expanse of time and space and elliminate any who would oppose him.
Drektur kept his calm. “You. You tricked me. You sent me on a foolish quest to eliminate the Christ when you knew I would fail. It is because of you I am here.”
Beel-Zhul laughed. “Yes, it is because of me that you are now so powerful,” he hissed.
“What do you mean?” Drektur said.
Beel-Zhul smiled, an act distorted by his partialy exposed jawbone. “The Abyss has given you a glorified body, Shadowblade. You cannot die. Your spirit will never leave the confines of your body. Your sword, your beautiful black blade, has now become a part of you. The more you use it to kill, the stronger you will become. And after two thousand years in the chaos of the Abyss, you have become strong indeed. You defeated a Guardian, Shadowblade, something no mortal has ever done. Now you can defeat yours and my adversaries, when before, you would not have been able to do so.”
Smoother, eh? Here's an explanation of what I have done (My comments are in the brackets).
“So you’ve escaped the Abyss and have come to do what you are instructed, my good servant,” the horrible thing said. Its voice was like grinding metal.
(Smoother description of Beel-Zhul's voice and "thing" instead "the figure" sounds more scary.)
Drektur suddenly recognized it. This near-fleshless shadow of human being was Beel-Zhul--the man who gave Drektur the keys to the Eternal Gates. It was these keys which allowed Drektur to travel the expanse of time and space and elliminate any who would oppose him.
(I made this a new paragraph since the focus moved from Beel-Zhul's speech to Drektur's thoughts. Also, I've broken up your long "Eternal gates" sentence into two shorter sentences. This is much preferred by editors.)
Drektur kept his calm. “You. You tricked me. You sent me on a foolish quest to eliminate the Christ when you knew I would fail. It is because of you I am here.”
(Even though the focus is on Drektur, since the subject changed, I have a new paragraph again. Next, the description of emotion here is far less cumbersome than " Drektur rebukes in a deep, calm, monotone that is all too strange to his vocal chords after two thousand years," I also changed "I'm" to "I am" in the last sentence because you seem to want your characters to speak without contractions.)
Beel-Zhul laughed. “Yes, it is because of me that you are now so powerful,” he hissed.
(Again, this description is far less cumbersome than "Beel-Zhul hisses forth a sinister laugh"
“What do you mean?” Drektur said.
(I do not need "confused" here. The punctuation (?) and the phrase does the work for me. I also do not need "respond"--after all, Drektur is not a robot or talking into a radio. "Said" works just fine.)
Beel-Zhul smiled, an act distorted by his partialy exposed jawbone. “The Abyss has given you a glorified body, Shadowblade. You cannot die. Your spirit will never leave the confines of your body. Your sword, your beautiful black blade, has now become a part of you. The more you use it to kill, the stronger you will become. And after two thousand years in the chaos of the Abyss, you have become strong indeed. You defeated a Guardian, Shadowblade, something no mortal has ever done. Now you can defeat yours and my adversaries, when before, you would not have been able to do so.”
(I got rid of the "unheard of" sentence to avoid redundancy (saying the same thing twice) and, thus, help the flow. I also added a bit of emotion and visual imagery at the begining of this dialogue to make it creepy and connect it better to Beel-Zhul.)
(And, of course, I've put the entire narrative in the past tense where it belongs.)
Well, that's all I've got for you. Hope it helps.
Peace out,
Knites.Expect the UnexpectedAre you sure you want to delete this post? Yes | No