The Teachings of Keanu

A rowdy 4th grade class simmers down as the teacher takes over.

TEACHER: Class, class. Settle down now. Okay, so we’re gonna go over the papers today. I trust that you all did them? Hehe.

The door in the back opens up. Keanu Reeves walks in.



KEANU: Did somebody order a pizza? No anchovies?

TEACHER: Keanu Reeves?

He gives off a big smile and laughs as he walks through the classroom.

TEACHER: Wow. What are you doing here?

KEANU: Oh just doing my part to help out the community. Teaching these kids a lesson called life.

TEACHER: Oh well, you don’t have to. It’s nice that you showed up, but the administration didn’t really tell me about this.

KEANU: That’s because the administration didn't really know about this.

Keanu smiles, pulls out a gun, and shoots the teacher in the leg.

TEACHER: Oh god!

He falls to the ground in agony.

TEACHER: What the hell man?!

KEANU: What, you gonna cry like a crybaby? Crybaby.

TEACHER: Goddammit! What the hell is wrong with you?

KEANU: What do you mean?

TEACHER: You just shot me in the leg! In front of my students!

Keanu stares at him for awhile.

KEANU: Yeah...I...I don’t see what the big deal is.

TEACHER: Aaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!! Children! Call the cops!

The kids are all crying in fear.

BILLY: I’m scared!

KEANU: Oh come on, man. Don’t be bummer. You’re totally giving me a buzzkill.

TEACHER: Go away Keanu Reeves!

KEANU: Whoa, listen dude. You can’t talk to me like that. You know who I am?

TEACHER: Yes! I do know who you are! You’re Keanu Reeves!

KEANU: I’m Keanu Reeves. World famous actor, known for such popular films as Sweet November and Chain Reaction.

TEACHER: What the hell man?! What do you want from me?

KEANU: I was Bhudda dammit! Hey come on, kids. I just wanna teach you a few life lessons I’ve learned along my way.

BILLY: I want my mommy!

KEANU: Jesus Christ, will you shut up already?! Man. Anyway. So I picked up this chick off the streets. Smokin’ hot! You little girls only wish you could grow up to look this good. Well next thing you know, cops are taking me down. Cuffing me. The whole nine yards. Apparently, it’s illegal to just be kind and help a poor lonely woman...

The children’s crying gets louder.

KEANU: For the love of God, will you guys SHUT UP!

TEACHER: Wait a minute. You’re...you’re not Keanu Reeves.

KEANU: What are you talking about? Of course I am. I was in Feeling Minnesota.

The teacher hobbles back onto his feet. He grasps Keanu’s jet black hair and pulls off the wig to reveal...

Jet black hair.

TEACHER: I knew it! You’re Lou Diamond Phillips!

KEANU/LOU: Aw man, you caught me.

Keanu/Lou sighs and slowly walks out of the classroom.

TEACHER: Wait. Lou. You don’t have to leave. In fact, we were gonna finish the second half of Stand and Deliver in class today. Would you like to join us?

KEANU/LOU: You mean it? Yeah. Totally dude.

Lou smiles big. He walks back in and grabs a seat next to Billy. Who’s still in tears.