Rainbow Brite: A male's perspective
A review of the first episode of Rainbow Brite ... yeah I know, I haven't felt this gay since... well, nevermind.
Ok, before all you guys out there commence the name calling and strange looks let me explain... I thought it would be nice to do something for all the ladies of this site for Valentine's Day (which has of course passed us by). I considered taking you all out for a big extravagant dinner then back to my place, but then I thought that was a pretty big step in the relationship and I don't want to rush things. So the next best thing I decided, would be to write an article on something girls would like. So I present to you fair ladies, a review of the first episode of Rainbow Brite!
Before watching this episode my only exposure to this show had been a tidbit on "I Love the 80's" and an old cereal commercial I had downloaded. "Fruity flavors and colorful bites, Rainbow Brite"
Never before had I seen this cartoon, not necessarily because I avoided it, but because the opportunity had never arisen, in fact I can't even remember seeing commercials for it. As a kid although I did prefer such shows as TMNT or Dragon Ball Z I did on occasion (when nothing else was on) watch "Care Bears" and even more rarely "My Little Pony Tales" these two shows were very popular and had more products than an Avon catalogue, but Rainbow Brite at least as far as I could tell never really got much publicity except in recent years. My guess is this show was developed by Kindergartener's, and the spelling of the title only reinforces this idea.
Ok so after a short and I do mean short theme song, which actually is more of a jingle we see a very dark, grim, and otherwise barren place, did I mention this episode is called The Beginning of Rainbow Land? Lightning crashes and we see a rather mean looking bird perched on a castle; it takes off and leads us to a small cave where small fuzzy creatures dwell. We'll call them... fuzzies, but only until their true identity is revealed.
The fuzzies emerge from their den and spot a berry tree, yellow fuzzy being the brave and leading fuzzy decides to venture out and snag a few. But the big mean bird has other plans and snatches the branch just as yellow fuzzy reaches the top. Oh man this bird bugs, he has the most annoying squawk not to mention he's the only bird I've ever seen with fangs, but something tells me we'll be seeing a lot more of this pest.
The yellow fuzzy sits on the ground sad and puzzled while we see other scenes depicting how crappy this place is, it seems we have a negative utopia on our hands.
Holy crap what is that thing!! It's going to get off-white fuzzy!! Seriously how are these fuzzies not extinct? Mean-ass birds demon goat/bull things, sheesh somebody should clean things up around here.
Suddenly a gigantic blue comet falls from the sky, the fuzzies of course figure it's some sort of predatory comet and flee into the surrounding cliffs.
Turns out this is no comet, this is a little girl who has come to save to save the planet. A divine voice most likely belonging to a goddess instructs her to find "The Sphere of Light" to bring color and happiness to this world.
Of course this scene just wouldn't be the same without that obnoxious bird and sure enough he tries to attack her, but she shrugs this off and continues on her journey.
The girl has a run in with a giant mutant centipede thing which knocks itself out after a short game of cat and mouse. She continues on, only to have her lunchbox stolen by a gang of evil dead trees, almost being grabbed herself she decides to leave the lunchbox and save herself. Now remember that big ugly demon goat? Well he's still chasing off-white fuzzy and now the girl is also being chased.
Taking refuge behind the tree off-white fuzzy explains that these horrible creatures return to the castle and that is where the sphere of light is located. The girl introduces herself as Wisp and the fuzzy is called Twink. The duo travel on toward the castle crossing a lava pit and a field of frozen fuzzy corpses.
Turns out all that lightning is a special kind of lighting, where as most lightning will fry you; this lightning will turn you into an ice statue (come on it's a kids cartoon). Twink almost falls victim to the ice lightning but Wisp pulls him loose instructing that if he believes he can make it he will, remember that if you're ever being faced with potentially freezing to death "If you believe you can make it you will".
Wisp spots a beautiful frozen horse and... oh good gravy there's another stupid bird. As always the birds visit is short lived as the now defrosted horse frightens it off, why a 2,000 pound bird is scared of a fancy-pants horse I cannot begin to fathom.
However since nobody can get a break in this sadistic cartoon, all three slide down the cliff as it crumbles, the horse landing first and being so noble catches the other two on his back. So, how do you tell a boy horse from a girl horse? By the voice of course, yep this horse can talk and introduces himself as Starlite the greatest and most conceited horse in the universe. Funny how a show revolving around rainbows and blue skies has so many astrological references.
Cut to that much anticipated and foreboded castle we keep hearing about and are finally about to see. Inside a Snuffleupagus and a Mongolian are enjoying dinner, being waited upon by a fuzzy of all things, who would have guessed. Now that snuffle dude would have been the main reason for me to watch this show as a kid, I've always had a soft spot for monsters and robots especially obscure ones like Lurky. But these two are not the head honchos ruling this land, oh no, there is a higher power, a possessed machine instructs the two to stop Wisp from getting the sphere of light. By the way these two noodle heads are Murky and Lurky, Murky being the ugly hairy guy, and Lurky being the dopey brown monster.
Meanwhile Starlite the highly opinionated horse explains that to enter the castle they must have the color belt which was thrown into the river of no return by the evil one long ago. Twink as always is frightened of going to the river of no return (reminds me a lot of Cringer actually) so Wisp gives him another one of her pep-talks as they set off to find the color belt.
Murky and Lurky watch the whole scene from a flower cam (available wherever garden supplies are sold) and decide this is a perfect time to intervene. They leave the castle via a car called the Grunge Buggie and set off to hinder Wisp and company.
The trio is desperately searching for the river of no return, not realizing that every step that Starlite takes causes a burst of water to spew from the ground. They finally realize it when it's about up to their ankles and they realize that unless they get to higher ground they may soon drowned. Hark, there's a bridge up ahead.
Seems this bridge is closed for repairs though... hey wait a minute... they're not repairing that bridge they're destroying it. Murky falls through during the process and hangs onto the separated pieces as the big oaf Lurky obliviously continues his work. How predictable can it get?
Meanwhile the river is still filling up and somehow bunches of nasty fish have emerged from those tiny fountain holes. They try to mess, but ol' twinkle toes gives one of them a right hook and teaches him some manners. Starlite reaches the bank and they begin the ascending climb towards the bridge.
They reach the bridge and after fancy-pants Starlite expresses concern at how shaky it is Twink jumps on it to test its durability concluding it's moderately stable. Lurky still oblivious to Murky's predicament watches anticipating the fruits of his labor.
Murky tries to hold on as they cross, but alas all those nasty fish tail cupcakes have cost him his strength (not that I could support the weight of a horse either) and the bridge collapses plunging all to the river. they do a really good job of making that horse look life-like; every expression is exact to how a horse would look in real life.
Murky pulls him up and him and Lurky share a triumphant laugh as the heroes are washed down the river if no return.
Wisp losses sight of her friends and... oh crap it's that stinking bird again, but this time he's a hero since he saves Wisp from a killer fish, this show just hit rock-bottom.
Wait I spoke too soon, after pleading with the "goddess" Wisp is washed ashore and spots a cloth bundle on the nearby rocks, why it's... it's... it's Pebbles! How many cartoons can they kike off of? Now take lesson girls it's the prefect excuse "I swear momma I found her down by the river, me and Johnny are clean"
Starlite and Twinkle show up and in typical male fashion Starlite comments "Just what we need, a baby" But despite the fact that Starlite is a baby-hater Wisp decides to keep her instead of sending her back to Bedrock.
Fearing the baby might be cold they decide to enter a nearby cave where they discover a conveniently placed wood pile, which Starlite lights by kicking the rocks to create sparks.
The light from the fire causes something in the cave to shine; chances are its some hideous monster the way things are going. Hey look at that, it's a rainbow belt, although there is some speculation as to whether this is the belt they are seeking since it's so dark and dingy.
There must have been some magic in that old black belt they found, for when Wisp placed it on her waist it began to glow abound. There is much rejoicing at this discovery and it seems as if things are going to change for the better.
Light flies from the belt and out the cave's entrance illuminating the entire landscape. Oh and what a wonderful sight it is. Wisp exclaims that now they will find the sphere of light and make the land beautiful. The End
Yep, that's the end of episode one, my guess is the revolution comes about in episode two. Overall this show wasn't all that bad and I actually find myself curious to see what comes about in the next episode, Oh no I'm actually starting to get hooked on this show, but that's ok I know the cure, Red Meat and a Maxim, oh yeah.
For the life of me I couldn't find a Rainbow Brite Valentine, but this article wouldn't be complete without one, so I decided to make one myself, wow do I suck at it, no wonder Hallmark on no account ever called me about that resume I submitted.
Well have a happy Valentine's day, and if you didn't have a date don't worry, there's always next year ;)
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