I'm a horror fan. Always have been, always will be. I tattooed a bloody chainsaw on my forearm in ode to Evil Dead. I own most of the collections of the well known to not-so-well known horror franchises. I consider myself a decently knowledegable horror connoisseur.


Yes that includes this one...

Well, last night i decided to finally watch the new Nightmare on Elm Street film. I've purposely been putting it off because it makes me want to hit a child in the face with a bag of bricks that Robert Englund isn't Freddy. So i put the disc in the DVD player and steeled myself for two hours of disappointment. Well, i was right! Not only was i disappointed but I was flat out PISSED OFF at what they had done to one of my most beloved franchises! First of all, they fucked with the origin! Yes, Freddy was a child molester but he was also a CHILD KILLER. Dropping the murderous part of his origin and just making him a pussy chomo pissed me the fuck off. They had him screaming and crying and my rage level was brought to full on Ray Liotta Mode!


Something NO ONE should have to experiance!

FREDDY KRUEGER IS NOT A PUSSY! A sick, twisted individual yes, but never a pussy.


Pictured: Badass

Then they had all these odes to the original film, consisting of the glove in the bathtub, coming through the wall behind the bed (which looked horrible), the friend in the body bag, and running in sticky liquid/blood (which is actually an ode to number 3).


I couldn't find a pic of the new "through the wall" scene so feel free to enjoy this original much better version.

These things were less a show of respect to the creators as they were a cheap way to try and satisfy fans. Wes Craven himself (the FUCKIN CREATOR of Nightmare) said he felt disrespected by the fellows handling this remake! Me too buddy! Hell Freddy Krueger....I'm sorry I meant Robert Englund...no wait I HAD IT RIGHT THE FUCKIN FIRST TIME! Either way, the real OG approached Platinum Dunes (the company that created this monstronsity among others such as the last Friday the 13th which sucked equally as much balls) for a cameo. A FUCKIN CAMEO! He didn't want to steal the spotlight, just be involved and give the fans that little thank you we deserve.


Oh yes, a deserving bunch are we...

Platinum Douche (you see what i did right there?) DECLINED! They didn't want their version to be compared to Lord Rob's more comedic last few movies. FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKIN DICKS! YOU FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL PILES OF DOG SHIT! Now let's get to the part you've all been waiting for....well the one guy who's still reading this has been waiting for, Freddy's face! Every single time i saw the the new Freddy face i wanted to run outside and punch a kid in the stomach! He looks like a fuckin asian frog or some kind of hairless monkey! On a whole he would strike fear in absolutely no one aside from maybe a weirdo with an illogical fear of felt hats.


"....Ribbit."


And his PERFORMANCE! FUCK YOU TOO JACKIE EARLE HALEY! YOU FUCKIN SUCKED AS FREDDY! Although i admit i still hold a bit of respect for the man because he played a mean Rorschach and was the ONLY one in the special features to show repect to the real Freddy, Robert Englund. As for the heroine, the new Nancy? I FUCKIN HATED HER TOO! She acted like she was doing an impression of that actress from Twilight, which in turn made the whole experiance 10% gayer.


What are you both so disappointed about!?

And the KILLS! HOW COMPLETELY UN-O-FUCKIN-RIGINAL!
Staff Member Steve: "Well, Sam, how do we have Freddy kill this one?"
Director Sam:"Eh, use the glove."
Staff Member Steve:" But Sam, we killed the last three people with the glove!"
Director Sam:"Who's the director here Steve!? I said he uses the glove so he uses the fuckin glove!"
Staff Member Steve:" But don't you think, being as this is a Freddy movie and he can do whatever he wants in these nightmares, we could get a little more creative?"
Director Sam:"Your fired, Steve."
You see what I'm getting at people!? Oh I'm sorry, I was unaware I was watching Halloween where everything's STABBY STAB WITH THE BUTCHER KNIFE! FUCK YOU YET ANOTHER TIME PLATINUM DOUCHE! The special features were also rage inducing as they were one HUGE slap in the face of Robert Englund but I won't even get into that. So, in conclusion, in case you haven't guessed already, I most certainly did not enjoy my veiwing experiance of the new Nightmare on Elm Street and if I knew blowing up an orphanage would simultaneously erase every copy of this film, the world would be less one orphanage.



Sorry kid...


And as a special note to Platinum Douche: FUCK YOU ONCE MORE YOU POMPOUS PRICKS! IF I EVER SEE ANY OF YOU IN THE STREET I WILL STAB YOU IN THE FACE WITH A BROKEN COPY OF THIS PIECE OF SHIT FILM!(not really but seriously FUCK YOU)....thank you for reading.

And to appoligize for my filthy language, please enjoy this picture of a kitty in a box.


Mmm..adorable