Karate Kid II


Meet the cast:

Daniel Larusso aka Daniel-San - played by Ralph Macchio, the stories protagonist. Daniel-San is Mr. Miyagi's protege and is a kid who is constantly making enemies and getting picked on for no apparent reason. He is extremely annoying, so it's actually cool that he is always getting picked on.


Mister Miyagi - played by Pat Morita, he is the stoic mentor of Daniel-San. He is a karate sensei and a handyman who is a man of great dignity. He also speaks in grunts and will beat up anyone who is acting unjustly, but he only fights when necessary.


John Kreese - played by Martin Kove, he is the evil sensei of the infamous Cobra Kai. Unfortunately he is only in the very beginning of this movie for only around ten minutes. This guy is a classic 80's movie villian, which makes him hilarious.


Yukie - played by Nobu McCarthy, she is Miyagi's former lover and current friend. She is boring and doesn't really bring anything to the table.

Kumiko - played by Tamlyn Tomita, is Daniel-San's girl in the movie. She's similar to Miyagi's love interest in that she is boring and doesn't really bring anything to the table, except she is younger.

Cho Sen - played by Yuji Okumoto, he is Daniel-San's enemy and a bully. He plays the same basic role as the classic 80's bully Johnny Lawrence(William Zabka) did in the first movie. So this guy is Japanese Zabka.


Sato - played by Danny Kamekona, he is Miyagi's former childhood friend turned mortal enemy due to a ugly love triangle. This guy is my favorite because he is always, I repeat always, pissed off and a big time unintentionaly funny guy(more on this later).


Now onto the movie:

In what can easily be considered one of the worst sequels in cinematic history, I present you with a running diary of Karate Kid II. This is a shining example of typical Hollywood bullshit, Karate Kid was successfull so the unwritten law in Hollywood kicked in and they had to make a sequel because there is money to be made. Seriously this movie should of never been made, it sucked so bad. One thing I did like though was how Johnny Lawrence(William Zabka) and his Cobra Kai cronies manged to worm there way into the opening scence of this movie. Onto the diary:

02:10 - Miyagi is catching flies with chopsticks again. Seriously why does he always have so many flies in his house and why doesn't he just hire an exterminator already?


04:41 - ZABKA ALERT! Daniel-San is having a flashback of getting beat up by Johnny Lawrence(Zabka) and his Cobra Kai cronies from KKI. They are all in skeleton costumes. On a side note I bought a basset hound last year and named him Zabka.
notice the menacing look, thats trademark Zabka


05:30 - It's back to the All Valley Karate tournament from the first movie. They show the infamous "sweep the leg" orders from the evil Cobra Kai sensei. That guy is awesome!


08:20 - Now part 2 picks up right where part 1 left off. Daniel-San and Miyagi are out in the parking lot and two random kids ask Daniel-San for his autograph. REALLY! I mean cmon, who demands an autograph from a teenager who won a stupid karate tournament.

09:40 - Daniel-San and Miyagi notice evil sensei John Kreese berating Zabka, "SECOND PLACE! YOUR A LOSER!" Awesome! He then starts assaulting Zabka and puts him in a choke hold. Classic 80's movie stuff, a grown man attacking a minor. Anyway Miyagi does not like what he's seeing so he comes and saves the day. The evil sensei tries to punch Miyagi but he keeps dodging the punches while the evil sensei keeps punching through car windows instead. Hysterical scence, one of the best in the movie in my opinion.
evil sensei, this guy demands respect
this guy also demands lots of pictures]


14:48 - Daniel-San is helping Miyagi with home repairs. That was always one of my favorite things about Miyagi. He makes Daniel-San do household chores under the guise that it will make him better at karate and life. I wish I had a protoge I could order around.

17:41 - Miyagi gets a letter informing him his father is really sick and dying, so he must go back to Okinawa, Japan. He then reveals to Daniel-San the reason he left Japan in the first place. Turns out he was caught up in a messy love triangle involving his former best friend Sato and his lover. Sato challenged Miyagi to a fight to the death to defend his honor but Miyagi bitched out and fled to the USA. As he is preparing to leave Miyagi says to Daniel-San "Miyagi sorry things no work out," I think Miyagi is the only man in history to use the third person without coming off as pretentious and arrogant.

22:45 - Daniel-San shows up at the airport and demands that Miyagi let him come with him. Daniel-San elects to put off going to college and basically puts his whole life on hold so he can go on an adventure with his old bat mentor to Okinaw, Japan. His reasoning; 'he wants to catch up on Okinawa history.' WTF! Seriously if I were Daniel-San's father I would of never allowed this shit to go down.

27:07 - BWOOOONG! They arrive in Okinawa. I think there should be a new rule that anytime in a movie if the characters go to Japan or even so much as just mention Japan, it should be accompanied with the gong noise.

28:45 - Enter Daniel-San's enemy, Sato's nephew aka Japanese Zabka. Upon meeting Daniel-San Japanese Zabka gives him a deathgrip handshake, sorta to size him up as a man it seems like. Seriously Daniel-San cannot go anywhere on this planet without making enemies for no apparent reason. It's beyond funny.
Japanese Zabka angry as usual with his cronies

30:43 - Enter Miyagi's enemy, Sato. He's still extremely bitter and immediately wants to fight Miyagi. Keep in mind its been around 45 years since the love triangle incident. This guy has some borderline psychotic type anomosity issues towards Miyagi. Even better Sato is a major unintentionaly funny type guy. Unintentional comedy is my favorite type of humor, some examples of unintentionally funny things; 'Fat Elvis,' 'John Madden,' and any movie with Steven Seagal in it. In my opinion Sato is the epitome of a unintentionally funny guy. He's always tremendously pissed off and serious, he does a lot of grunting, and makes tons of angry noises. In other words he's unintentional comedy gold. Plus Sato has to, repeat has to, defend his honor because honor isn't everything in Okinawa, its the ONLY THING!

look at Sato long enough and I can almost gurantee you will laugh, at least if you have the same type of sense of humor as me




34:15 - Enter Miyagi's old lover, who is tending to his dying father along with Daniel-San's soon to be girlfriend, her daughter. I was thinking to myself how funny would it have been if they all had broken out into a foursome.

38:36 - Miyagi doing some karate in his dojo. When I finally move out of my shitty studio apartment and get my own house, I'm building a dojo in it. No if, ands, buts about it. I MUST have a dojo, even though I will probably never do karate in it.


43:48 - Sato is trying to goad Miyagi into a fight without success. Soto then decides he is just going to attack Miyagi but they are interrupted by Miyagi's chick because his dad is about to die. They all rush to his room and his last dying wish is for Miyagi and Sato to make peace. There is just no way in hell this is going to happen. Sato is a man on a mission and he is just too damn angry to not fight Miyagi. So Sato tells Miyagi he has 3 days to mourn and then they must fight. What a jerk off, I love it.


48:23 - Daniel-San starts to give Miyagi advice after his dad dies. HOW DARE HE! Doesn't he know it's Miyagi's job and life mission to give people advice not receive it. I hate you so much Daniel-San.


51:40 - One of my favorite scences. Miyagi is giving Daniel-San a little karate training with what looks like a medieval Japanese weapon apparatus that flies down from a rope towards a platform. The goal is to dodge this thing using.... you guessed it Frank Stalone. No just kidding, using karate of course, or else... it will slam into you causing either one of two outcomes; death or serious injury. Of course Miyagi allows Daniel-San to give it a whirl and he ends up falling off the platform into the surrounding water. Outstanding!

55:22 - YES! Miyagi is singing. This is like a 1,000 out of a scale of 10 on the unitentionally funny meter. I've said it before and I'll say it again I absolutely love unitentional humor. It's the best!

59:07 - Here comes Japanese Zabka to do some bullying. He's is making fun of and picking on Daniel-San, again for no apparent reason. People just can't stand Daniel-San and I can totally see why. Job well done Japanese Zabka. I give you two enthusiastic thumbs up.


1:01 - Miyagi is fixing his refrigerator. Is there anything this man can't do?

1:03 - Daniel-San goes on his first date with his Japanese girlfriend and the immortal 80s song 'Glory of Love' by Peter Cetera starts playing. This song reeks of 80's cheesines, so funny. "I am the man who will fight for your honor!" Give me a break. Nowadays this song would never be successfull, but in the 1980s its a smash hit, priceless.

1:05 - Unintentional Comedy Alert! Some random Japanese guy approaches Daniel-San and his girl. He asks them to come to the dance tonight. If you watch this movie, I dare you to not laugh at this guy.

1:06 - Daniel-San and his girl then take a peek into Master Sato's dojo. I love how karate gurus are referred to as Master. I want to become a karate guru just so I can have people call me master.

1:08 - Daniel-San and his girl then take a beeline to a bar, where no word of a lie people are breaking blocks of ice with their bare hands! Of course Daniel-San's nemesis comes outta nowhere and immediately challenges him to an ice breaking contest. All of a sudden the stakes are high. Sato and Miyagi pop up outta nowhere as well and put 6 C-Notes(600 dollars) on the contest. By the way characters popping up outta nowhere is such an 80s movie trait. Hold up, wait a sec, Miyagi gambling? Isn't that too much of a moral wrong for a guy like him. Anyway Daniel-San ends up winning the contest and making Miyagi 600 dollars richer. Sato is beyond pissed. It's like salt in an open would for poor Sato, who still can't get his damn honor fight with Miyagi. Sato is always so friggin angry, I love movie characters like that.
look at Japanese Zabka's face with that ear to ear grin. If your sense of humor is anything like mine this picture will make you actually want to watch this shitbomb of a movie


1:13 - Laughing my ass off right now. There is a huge poster of Elvis at the Japanese dance hall where Daniel-San and his girl are at. This is the definition of unintentional funniness. HILARIOUS! Equally as funny is Daniel-San and his girl dancing, and the song they are 'gettin down' to being that 50s song 'rock around the clock tonight' to boot.


1:16 - Yet another unintentional comedy moment. Daniel-San asks his girl "Are you like arranged?" Classic American mentality, just assuming every other country in the world is living in the dark ages and still practicing customs like arranged marriages. I almost pissed myself from laughing so hard watching this scence.

1:20 - Sato and Japanese Zabka show up at Miyagi's place still demanding their fights. These two are relentless, they just wont stop until they get their matches. Sato unexplicably leaves and then Japanese Zabka starts wrecking things in Miyagi's house and then proceeds to beat up Daniel-San. Good job Japanese Zabka.


1:21 - UH-OH! Japanese Zabka and the gang are in for it now, Miyagi just showed up. There is no way Miyagi can allow poor behavior of this magnitude to go unpunished. So he mops the floor with Japanese Zabka and his henchmen in around 7 seconds flat, leaving them utterly humiliated. Man I wish Miyagi just let Japanese Zabka and the boys pound on Daniel-San RENO STYLE!

1:26 - After weeks of complete failure, Sato finally succeeds in getting Miyagi to agree to fight him. How does he do this you ask? It typical 80s movie villian fashion he resorts to dirty tactics to achieve his ends, in this case threatening to destroy Miyagi's native village if he refuses to fight, priceless. This guy Sato really has got it out for Miyagi, which is pretty comical considering Miyagi is pretty much the nicest most honorable man in movie history. Well maybe that's stretching it a little, but the man is a genuienly good guy no doubt about it.

I couldn't resist putting up this pic of the real life Mr. Miyagi - Pat Morita.

1:34 - Troubles a brewin, literally and figuratively. The village is being hit with a devastating tsuname and the fight showdown between Miyagi and Sato is imminent. Oh yea and the tsunami strikes completely out of nowhere! I swear everything is perfectly calm and finee and then it just starts tsunamiing, that can't be a real world, but I desperately want it to be. Again this is vintage typical 80s movie type shit.

1:35 - Sato gets trapped under a big chunk of lumber from a house that got blown away, and Miyagi being the consumate good guy pulls him out from underneath the rubble and saves his life. This effectively ends Sato's homicidal type rage towards Miyagi and the fight is officially off. Boo fuckin Hiss!
The worst ramifications of this sequence are Sato is no longer angrier than a person who invested money with Bernie Meidoff, and the angry grunts and noises are no longer part of Sato's arsenal.

1:38 - Daniel-San saves a little girl who is stuck at the top of a telephone pole. Okay why the fuck is a five year old girl on top of a telephone pole during the middle of a tsunami. It's madness, complete and utter madness. In the process of saving the girl Daniel-San unintentionally disgraces Japanese Zabka(hold up, I just wrote a sentence that said 'Daniel-San unintentionally disgraces Japanese Zabka.' I had to go look in the mirror and re-examine my life and figure out
where I'm heading for a few solid minutes after that) Yeah so Daniel-San disgraces Japanese Zabka because Japanese Zabka was too afraid to save the girl himself.(I've just come to the conclusion that it's always funny to type Japanese Zabka and it will never cease to be funny.) Japanese Zabka then looses the respect of his uncle after his display of cowardice and then becomes incredibly pissed off that Daniel-San(of all people) showed him up. The downright gaul of this Daniel-San character! Japanese Zabka then storms off because thats what you have to do when you've been humiliated.


1:45 - Daniel-San's girl is performing her oriental dance, and Japanese Zabka comes outta nowhere, again classic 80s movie shit, and takes her hostage with a knife. He thens orders Daniel-San to fight to the death so he can restore his honor. Again with this damn honor thing. This is all Peter Cetera's fault. The Japanese crowd then starts chanting FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!! Just kidding, but that would of been great. Nothing quite like a good old FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT chant.


1:47 - The fight ensues and it's so ludicrous because there is no way in hell Daniel-San would be able to beat this guy up in real life, but of course he prevails, but not before the most ridiculous part of all comes. Daniel-San is deciding if he should finish Japanese Zabka off for good and he asks "live or die" in his stupid ass Daniel-San trying to sound tough voice. Japanese Zabka responds "DIE!" Daniel-San then proceeds to twist his nose and make a HOOOONK noise. The movie ends. BEYOND STUPID! A completly stupid ending to a completly stupid move, it was fitting.


I hope you all enjoyed. I'm planning on doing diaries for Karate Kid I and III as well once I get a chance to watch them again. I remember liking the first one and actually thinking it was a pretty good movie. I also remeber part III being an incredible unintentionally funny movie. A downright awful movie that was very entertaining due to the insanely high unintentionally funny level, kinda like part II but even better. Seriously that movie was a gold mine for unintentional funniness. I'm actually getting really excited about watching part III now. Well until next time, stay classy Retro Junkers.

Do you think Daniel-San and Mister Miyagi had gay sex later on this night?