Cool As Ice (1991)

Directed by: David Kellogg

Starring: Vanilla Ice, Kristin Minter, Deezer D (?), John Haynes Newton, Naomi Cambell, Michael Gross, Kathyrn Morris






Wow, Ice really wants that girl bad!






There are just some people who just don't belong in the film industry. Shaquille O'Neal, Jean Claude Van Damme, or that damn sparkly vampire Robert Pattinson. UURGH!!!


But those three guys would be Oscar-nominated actors compared to the man you'd think would be the last person to star in a movie.....Vanilla Ice.






Oscar-nominated gold, isn't he?






If you haven't heard of this movie and want to keep it that way, I sincerely apologize. But I'm talking about this movie so that you stay away from this movie as far away as possible.

As we all know, Ice's first film appearance was in the 1991 film Teenage Muntant Ninjas II: The Secret of the Ooze, where he performed his Oscar nominated (sarcasm) "ninja rap".


But, unfortunately for us, Ice had more in store for us as he gave us his first (and thankfully his last) feature film, Cool As Ice. Quite frankly, this film isn't "cool" as ice. But it IS boring as ice, Vanilla Ice's performance is as frozen as ice, and the entertainment value just melts like ice.





"This script is terrible! Who was this movie made for, Vanilla Ice?"






WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

A young deliquent (Ice) and his "posse" show up on neon-yellow motorcycles which gets everyone's attention, including the female honor student Kathy (Minter). Oh, did I mention there's a plot involving Kathy's father (Gross) being part of the Witness Protection Program?


WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT IT?

Some of the songs are fine to listen to, including the opening song, but that's about it.




"WOAH! TWO DOGS DOIN' IT!!!







The Breakfast Club: The Next Generation.






WHAT'S BAD ABOUT IT?

Everything else.


First thing is that every 5 minutes it feels like watching a music video. The scenes are edited like one, and the music score is replaced by rap songs by artists you'll never hear about again.



The relationship between Ice and Kathy is absolute torture to watch. Why would she would want a man who:

-Dresses up like a gay Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?

-Causes her to fall off her horse by jumping in front of her with a motorcycle?

-Breaks into her room while she's sleeping?


This is the same guy who says at one point of the film, "Drop that zero and get with the hero!"

If those acts of deliquency are considered heroism nowadays, then writing this article about this movie considered taboo.






"Hi, there. We'll be your ridiculous and totally cliched villians for your movie today!"






Another thing about this film is how Ice's "posse" have no personality whatsoever. You could just cut them out them out of the film and there would be no difference. All of them just sit on their asses while they're waiting for one of their motorcycles to be repaired by one of the loonies from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, who lives in a house mixed with The Magic School Bus and Pee-Wee's Playhouse.


I guess the writers of this film figured that character development doesn't matter in this film, as they simply want to concentrate on Ice, who's acting is repulsive and can't even talk normal for 2 minutes without saying "Let's shling some shlongs."



You know, for kids!




Stop making out and get this movie going, you two!





"God, Ice is here...there goes the neighbourhood..."




BOTTOM LINE:

Cool As Ice is simply bad. Despite some of it's catchy songs that defined the early 90's, it's boring, mean-spirited, and unresponsive to any unexplainable scenes. This Ice's first and only movie, and seeing how this movie turned out, you can see why. My advice is just watch a Vanilla Ice music video instead.



OVERALL SCORE:

0.5/5




See ya, or as Ice would say, Drop that zero and... Ah, screw it.