*Sigh* (Saving writing to disk) Hello gang, once again, and as if you already didn't know, it's me, Allison--you friendly "Saturday Night Live" guru. Let me tell you a little about where I'm going with this submission.

I'm currently in the process of putting together what very well may be a massive article about the four years in the late 1980s that saved "Saturday Night Live." But, since I don't want to be too hard on the eyes, I figured I would make it into a four-parter. So, what does this mean? First, lots of pictures. I haven't even finished the first part of the article ("Bordello of Blood" took up a massive amount of time). Second, working on this would probably take me away from something else I'd like to contribute. So, I was looking on my disk, and I knew I couldn't help but not put forth this effort.

It was a sketch idea I came up with but never actually thought about publishing. But, in good faith, I know someone will read it.

It also gives me a chance to recycle some of my funnier pictures.

Introduction

It has been a long time since Dennis Miller signed off his last “Weekend Update” on May 18, 1991. In all those years, he was never asked back to host. And, in the last few years, I have wondered what it would be like had he come back to host at some point. But, I decided to portray his hosting gig…in his dreams.

I was inspired to write this after reading a rather humorous article about Dennis Miller 1988 coming to visit himself in 2003 and telling him what he's doing wrong. I decided, in true "SNL" Guru form, to take it a step further and play "what if"--what if Dennis Miller hosted Saturday Night Live? and Dennis Miller of the bygone era wouldn't be visiting--his ego would. Of course, Dana Carvey proved that he could impersonate someone and do it better than the actual person could. His impression, in my opinion, was way over the top, and that's the magic of it. There is a sense of chemistry whenever they did this on "Weekend Update"--although I heard that Dennis Miller would cringe at Dana's impression. I'm sure he did it with love--not out of hate or contempt for his inspiration.

On that note, I hope you enjoy this manifesto...cha-cha.

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Setting: Present Day (2006)
Studio 8H, NBC Studios, New York

Characters: Dennis Miller…………….Himself
Dana Carvey……………...Dennis Miller
Don Pardo.................Announcer (V/O)




2006



ca. 1988


Dennis Miller
(WATCHING TELEVISION) Tomorrow, I’ll finally be a host! All those years later, and they finally asked me back. I hope it goes right (YAWNS)…I’d hate to look like a f***-up on national television…(FALLS ASLEEP)

WE SEGUE INTO A DREAM SEQUENCE, AS THE TRADITIONAL CAMERA SEQUENCE BEGINS THE SHOW.

Don Pardo
Ladies and gentlemen…Dennis Miller!

MILLER MAKES HIS TRIUMPHANT WALK TO THE FRONT OF THE STAGE, PASSING BETWEEN THE BAND AND JUMPING ONTO THE STAGE. HE STANDS IN ADMIRATION AS THE AUDIENCE CHEERS. THE “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE” THEME CONCLUDES.

Dennis Miller
Wow. Thank you! Thank you! (AUDIENCE APPLAUSE GROWS LOUDER) Good evening, and what can I tell ya?

(LOUD APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)

Dennis Miller
Thank you. I haven’t been this excited since “Gigli” bombed at the box office. “Gigli.” There was a cute running joke, huh?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)

Dennis Miller
So, what’s going on? This is my first time hosting “Saturday Night Live.” I haven’t been here in a long time. Last time I was here, I had a mullet and was making fun of Sadaam Hussein. It’s nice to see things don’t change, huh…

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Dennis Miller
Yeah, it’s been a long time. So, what has changed? I switched my allegiances with political parties. I had two kids. I even made a wonderful little movie—you probably all remember it—Bordello of Blood. (GROANS FROM AUDIENCE) Yeah, it turns out it wasn’t the feel-good hit of the summer. But, at least guys liked it.

(SILENCE BECOMES DEAFENING)

Dennis Miller
(INNER V/O) Oh god, why did I say that? Those jokes are dated references. Mullet? Bordello of Blood? What was I thinking? (STANDS ON STAGE WITH LOOK OF ALARM ON FACE, CUT TO A SHOT OF THE AUDIENCE AWAITING THE NEXT JOKE) Uh, listen, maybe this hosting thing wasn’t such a great idea. Yeah…it was a mistake. Just like that movie.

Dennis Miller #2
(VO) Obviously you need a little help, cha-cha.

Dennis Miller
(LOOKS AROUND) Who was that?

(DANA CARVEY, IN A CAMEO, STRUTS ONTO THE STAGE DRESSED IN A SUIT AND TIE THAT OBVIOUSLY WALKED OUT OF 1987, COMPLETE WITH HIS FAMOUS “MULLET WIG.”)

Dennis Miller
(GROANS) Oh no, it’s my ego. I thought I left you behind in 1991.

Dennis Miller #2
(GIGGLES) No way, baba ganoosh. I’ve been waiting for you to host longer than you’ve had that beard. By the way, nice beard. Add a couple more gray hairs—you’ll look like that high school Math teacher that nobody liked. And what's with the glasses? You trying the intellectual look now?

Dennis Miller
(CONFUSED) People get older. Eyes get worse. It's life. Besides...what are you doing here? And where did you get those clothes?

Dennis Miller #2
Personal collection, babe.

Dennis Miller
(TOUCHES SUIT JACKET) I thought I burned that suit. Not exactly modern.

Dennis Miller #2
Listen, Captain Hairdo, I didn’t come here to discuss my fashion. You’re in a bind, and I’ve come to bail you out.

Dennis Miller
But, I’m doing good. I mean, they’re laughing. All I have do is tell a few funny jokes, and I’m set.

Dennis Miller #2
It’s more than that, cha-cha. It’s about the delivery. Don’t tell them you became a conservative. They want to see the old Dennis Miller—the guy who made fun of Reagan and Bush, who divulged his fantasy of seeing Nancy Reagan in Frank Gorshin’s Riddler Costume. They wanna see the cool “Weekend Update” anchor with the good hair—not his cranky father.

Dennis Miller
But, I’m not that guy. At least, not anymore. Times change. People change. Even I'm capable of change. This isn’t 1986.

Dennis Miller #2
Listen, babe, you gotta act like it’s 1986. Make them laugh. Thrown in a couple of “babes” every now and then. Tell some dated jokes. You know that flight attendant one?

Dennis Miller
Yeah. It's from 1990. I still use it every now and then. But, what's the point?

Dennis Miller #2
That's what they want to see. They want to see the old...Dennis Miller. Make these people remember the hair-flipping, giggling, smart-ass “Weekend Update” anchor.

Dennis Miller
And, it will work?

Dennis Miller #2
Of course, babe.

Dennis Miller
(ANGRILY)Stop calling me “babe.”

Dennis Miller #2
Fine, but take my friggin advice, Miller. Give them the old Dennis Miller attitude. (FLIPS BACK LONG HAIR…IMITATION OF DENNIS MILLER’S HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE) Ha-ha!

Dennis Miller
(TURNS TO LOOK AT AUDIENCE) Hey, kids, we’ve got a great show! (APPLAUSE) I’m here, and I have returned to my home. This is where it all started! (AS DENNIS MILLER #2 WATCHES) We’ll be right back, cha-cha! (RUNS HAND THROUGH HAIR AND LAUGHS—AUDIENCE APPLAUDS WILDLY) So stick around, babe!

SKETCH SEGUES BACK INTO A TOSSING AND TURNING DENNIS MILLER. WAKES UP AND TURNS ON LIGHT. A 1980S RERUN OF “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE” IS ON THE TELEVISION.

Dennis Miller
Wow, that was realistic. I thought it really happened. (LOOKS OVER TO TELEVISION TO SEE HIMSELF ON “WEEKEND UPDATE”…IN THE SUIT FROM HIS DREAM). One thing’s for sure, that suit was something else.

(END OF SKETCH. AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AS CAMERA ZOOMS OUT ON MILLER LAUGHING AT THE OLD “WEEKEND UPDATE.”)
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Conclusion

Well, that was fun. I'm really holding out some sort of hope, however futile that may be, that Miller wil make his way back to "Saturday Night Live" and host. I would have loved to see him on "Update" with Tina Fey--it was my dream to see the two longest-tenured anchors side-by-side (they are tied at six years each). But, with Tina Fey's departure this season, it will never happen.

And, as always, I hope you all enjoyed this installment in my "SNL" manifestos. Stay tuned for another riveting installment.





Allison, aka Allison_SNLKid Your "Saturday Night Live" Guru