Crazy Childhood: Battletoads

The following article will contain no picture illustrated by yours truly. I had no idea of what the picture could be, and any idea I got I felt would be a tad too unsettling for RetroJunk. I apologize and the next article will most certainly have a picture by me.

Thank you for your time and enjoy the article.



Battletoads (1993)

Directed by: Kent Butterworth

Starring: Kathleen Barr, Ian James Corlett, Mike Donovan, Andrew Kavadas, Lalainia Lindberg, Scott McNeil, Jason Michas, Alvin Sanders












Whenever you watched a bad show/movie, chances are that you ask yourself the question that many ask themselves whether it's on life, politics, or any questionable subject that we as human beings have created to keep our fragile minds occupied....





Why?






Why is this cartoon unfunny? Why did they ever make this? WHY? WHY? WHY?



"Battletoads" is cheap, run-of-the-mill, and is a disgrace to the game of the same name. The now-defunct animation company Dic Entertainment has made some good shows based off of video games, like the Mario cartoons, the Sonic cartoons, but how could this show possibly be one of their biggest misfires? It's a mystery that will most likely never be solved, but we won't even care if it IS solved, considering that the show only ran for a single episode. That's right, a single episode.







These three forces against good cartoon making are immediately found guilty and are sentenced to flip bad burgers for a year and are to not have girlfriends until they're 65.





Out of all the cartoons I've seen in my years of watching cartoons, this just might be the worst one I've ever seen. While "Madballs" was bad, it at least had some redeeming values to it. "Battletoads" has diddley-squat. It's flat, unintriguing, and unbelievably unimaginative.






"Y'know what? Scuuhh-REW YOU guys! A-we're a-goin' home!"




WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

The story, or resemblance thereof, is about three troublesome rejects who are told by their principal to stay away from each other. All of this changes when a princess and a turkey-like proffessor (?) turn them into gargatuan amphibian warriors. The princess dubs our three heroes "Zits", "Rash", and "Pimple" (what a b***h), and it's up to the three guys to save the princess from the forces of evil.




WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT IT?

Excuse me, WHAT? Not in this one!



WHAT'S BAD ABOUT IT?

First of all, I didn't laugh at a single joke. This is surprising, considering that the writer of this torture-fest is supposedly written by one of the writers for the popular cartoon "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", and all the jokes in that cartoon worked. Oh, wait, I forgot. I never grew up with that cartoon, so I can't trust this writer with anything.


The animation is incredibly cheap, yet understandable, considering that the cartoon was made by DIC Entertainment, who made some good shows with some cheap animation, so I'll let that one slide. What I won't let slide, though, is the look.


The style looks too traditional and never wants to be it's own thing. It has no defining style. Even video game shows like the Super Mario Bros. Super Show reminds me of Pacman mixed with a cartoon from the 30's. "Battletoads" looks too much like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon, and God knows how much we just LOOOOOOOOOVE seeing THAT everyday.







"At last, I've done it! I don't WHAT I did, but I'm sure it's a good thing!"




I also found it a tad strange that this cartoon had a couple signs of sexual innuendo. For example, the villianess' plan is to kidnap the princess and to "have her to herself". Or the Battletoads' catchphrase whenever they turn into the damn frogs: "LET'S GET HOR-NAY!"



Like I even need to make fun of this. I'll let you make the jokes. Any of you who do have a joke about this "catchphrase" should reply at the bottom of this page.


Oh, and the action scenes lack any action. You think that the Battletoads could destroy anything with their jumbo fists, but they're so wussy, they have to rely on watermelons and other groceries to defeat their enemies.






"Well, I don't think there's anything left you can break, captain..."






Shouldn't the navy be blastin' your slimy asses by now?





BOTTOM LINE:

This is the absolute worst cartoon I've seen in years. It's jokes are tiring, the look is redundant, and the sexual jokes are unnecessary. You may have your own opinion on which cartoon of the past is the worst, but believe me, I've seen the worst, and it's "Battletoads".




OVERALL SCORE:

0/5



See ya!