I played a lot of video games when I was a kid. No, I didn't own every system ever made (what, do you think money grows on trees?) but for those I didn't own I had a friend or relative who did and I'd do everything in my power to get my hands on their hot, throbbing consoles. I even had a neighbor that had an Intellivision. That thing was like from the future or something.

While there are tons of fantastic games and wonderful gaming moments for which to wax nostalgic upon, there are just as many that only visit me in my darkest of hours, chilling me to the core and shaking the very foundation of my soul and everything I ever thought I knew about myself. OK - that's a little (a lot) overdramatic but regardless I would like to share with you a few fond but frustrating memories of childhood gaming.

-- What a horrible night to have a curse --
Imagine if every morning, when the sun rises, the entire universe freezes itself in time, just to deliver a message letting you know "hey, its morning now - that's what this big orange flaming ball thing means. just thought you should know. thanks." Now imagine that it happens TWICE A DAY because obviously you need to be told that it's night again otherwise you would never go to bed what with thinking its still day time and all. Play the NES game Castlevania II, Simon's Quest and you can simulate that experience 600 FREAKING TIMES AN HOUR. This is a classic game and just talking about it makes me want to play but who's idea was it to suddenly interrupt the gTHE MORNING LIGHT HAS VANQUISHED THE HORRIBLE NIGHT


-- Where the EFF is that red ring? --

Not that red ring
I can't really blame this one on the game itself, as The Legend of Zelda for NES is truly one of my favorite games of all time. Regardless, it still pissed me off that I could never find that friggin red ring in the final dungeon. I had every heart container, every weapon, and was pretty much the pinnacle of video game hero bad-assery in every way, except I was BLUE and not RED. Sure, I could still beat the game without the red ring, but I always lacked a feeling of true completeness and I myself, felt as blue as Link himself (awwwww). I bought myself a red ring at the dollar store to ease the pain but ironically, it only brought more when the neighbor kids saw me wearing it.


-- This is supposed to be a kid's game? --

My uncle was always so giving
I was always up for a challenge, but the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game for NES was more like begin sodomized by your neighbor's uncle in the back of a van filled with raw fish on a summer's day. I dont know, maybe it got easier toward the end of the game but I wouldn't know because I never beat the stupid thing. The worst part was that while it was so difficult, it also was really fun, which meant you hit continue every time and let the raping happen all over again. I don't know what else to say. It hurts, mommy.


-- Zelda II: The Adventure of FAIL --

No problem I will ask someone else.

Did my neighbors uncle put you up to this?
I know Ill probably get some hate for this and I know many people enjoyed this game and that there are already endless debates out there regarding this game, but when I first played Zelda II for the NES, I almost cried. I had thoroughly mastered the first game (except for that damned red ring) and was ready for my next adventure with Link, but instead I got a completely different, semi-RPG that required lots of reading and general douchebaggery. Maybe I could appreciate its innovative magic system and RPG elements as ahead of their time today but at the time I couldn't stomach it. Luckily for the franchise they saved the day with their first SNES release, A Link To The Past which was much more like the original game and was completely encompassed in Zelda awesomeness.







-- He's on fire! --

I expected cheating from Sub-Zero
and Reptile, but not YOU, Raiden.
In some ways I regard the release of NBA Jam (I played Tournament Edition - was there another edition?) as the birth of evil. I played it on SNES and man that game was good. There was just one problem - it didn't matter how good (or terrible) you were at the game because every single game was going to end with a final buzzer-beating shot. This was basically accomplished by programattically ensuring that the team that was winning had the worst freaking luck ever, while the team that was behind could suddenly sink half-court shots queefed from their rectum. Sure, every game ended in excitement, but it wasn't right that I could be winning by 30 points at half-time only to spend the entire second half bricking every single dunk while the other team was apparently energized by half-time threats of enforced sodomy if they lost this game (is it weird that I've now made 2 sodomy references?). Something just bothered me about only being able to beat my blind-def-mute-midgit-scientologist sister by 2 points.

Witty conclusion paragraph goes here including half-hearted promise to write a follow-up if this one is popular. The end.