In my "Garbage Pail Kids Movie" review, people complained because I gave an adequate review for such a crapfest. Well, I can't help it. I just find bad movies quite good sometimes. Yes, even "Howard The Duck". But the real question is, what is possibly the absolute WORST movie I've ever seen? Well, the answer is quite simple:



Hercules Unchained (1960)

Directed by: Pierto Francisci

Starring: Steve Reeves, Sylva Koscina, Sylvia Lopez, Gabriel Antonini, Sergio Fantoni, Mimmo Palmara






















Good gravy. I never thought I'd see the day I'd watch an astonishingly bad movie. In the words of Roger Ebert, from his review of "North", "I hated this movie. Hated, hated, hated, hated, HATED it." I have seen cheesy movies for years, and out of all the movies I've seen, this would have to be the absolute worst.








Looks like Hercules and his pals have failed at their biggest task: Creating good entertainment.





I would be surprised if the writers for this movie even looked back on Greek Mythology for inspiration. When you think of a Hercules movie, you think of lusicious dames, horrific monsters, sweaty men in loincloths, and a whole lot of fun. They got the dames and sweaty men part in this movie, just not the other two.





The only monster they could afford for this movie was a Lou Ferrigno lookalike.









WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

The story, or what resembles one, is about Hercules (Reeves), who is SUPPOSED to intervene in a fight between two brothers (Fantoni and Palmara), who nag about who should rule over Thebes.


But that plot is rarely acknowledged, due to that Hercules has drunken from the "water of forgetfulness" on his way over to Thebes, and is taken captive by an evil queen, who kidnaps men and keeps them until she grows tired of them, then she'll turn them into statues.



Looks like this queen takes prostitution to a whole new level.



So, the rest of the movie consists of a whiner named Ulysses (Antonini) to try and get Hercules' memory back.



.....



Fasten your frickin' seatbelts!!! We're in for one heck of a roller-coaster ride!!!!!!







WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT IT?

Excuse me, what's GOOD about it? Hahahahaha! That's a good one!




WHAT'S BAD ABOUT IT?

Everything from the acting to the writing. It's consisently boring, the sets are incredibly dumb (does this movie ALWAYS need to take place in rocky locations? I'm supposed to be watching a movie, not a postcard for the Grand Canyon.), and the lip syncing is astonishingly terrible. Although, when you think about it, this movie IS an english dub of an Italian movie, so I'll let that slide.








Even Max from "A Goofy Movie" can't even stand this wretched film. Poor guy.









BOTTOM LINE:

This is it. The absolute worst movie I have EVER seen. It's boring, the plot is hokey, the acting is sub-par, this whole movie is just a slowly-paced stinker. Avoid this stinker at all costs.




OVERALL SCORE:

0/5





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See ya!