Why Kids Today are Pansies

How Nintendo Made Me Into a Man

The reason that kids today are pansies is because modern video games are too easy. Nintendo games kicked my @$$ and made me into a man. When I have a kid they won't be able to get
Playstation 17 until they beat a prescribed number of games from each preceding system.
Here are a few examples of Nintendo games thay my son will be forced to beat instead of doing homework, and why:

Punch-Out

What it taught me: When I got picked on I knew to punch the fat bully in his big mouth mid-sentence and then when his pants fall down I punch him where the sun don't shine. Repeatedly.

Castlevania II

What it taught me: Being afraid of the dark is for pansies. Stop hidng under the covers, collect Dracula's body parts to reassemble him and bring him back to life and then kill him again. Hardcore.

Double Dragon

What it taught me: When someone punches your girlfriend it is your duty to kill everyone in a 10 mile vicinity to defend her honor.

Blades of Steel

What it taught me: Hockey is awesome. Fighting during hockey is awesomer.

WWF WrestleMania

What it taught me: When your friend is in a fight you should go piledrive the other guy's friends in case they get tagged in.

Bad Dudes

What it taught me: Never let ninjas kidnap the President. Never.

Metal Gear

What it taught me: Real men smoke cigarettes. And use them to detect laser wire.

Tecmo Bowl

What it taught me: In the rare situation when you have to run away from pursuers, the proper way to do it is by zig zagging at 45 degree angles.

Skate or Die!

What it taught me: Skate ... or Die

Tetris

What it taught me: When you really need the Russians to come through they won't. Russians are not to be trusted.

This is only a partial list of course. But the basic idea is the real men only need 2 buttons.

Stay tuned for the top WTF moments in Nintendo history.

Comments

Great read! But I would have given a thumbs up simply for your shared distrust of Russians.

Hilarious. Good parenting idea thrown in too.(thumbs up)

man you guys will make tough dads/moms like me im a dad and i made my kid try to beat contra without the 30 live code but many games are still hard dude like the shadow game try doing the dark mission on air fleet without the shadow riffle or shinobi (ps2 version) stays true to the origanle shinobi series by being relley hard i think it's a bit harder then 8 bit shinobi cause there 3D which makes getting back up with shadow dash hard and when you dont kill for a while i think it works that way the sowrd will drain your life bar but what im saying is games with good graphics can still be relley hard too

Hahaha, so true.

HAhahahaaha! This is F****** Hilarious! AND you remember Bad Dudes. That's the first time I have seen it on RetroJunk.com. Awesome bro!

HAhaha, that is soo damn true. Kids thes day are wimps.

This is the greatest article i've ever read. Thank you.

"real men only need 2 buttons" I live by this code, well that is untill i got my Super Famicom, 2, 4, they're both good numbers.

Video games today are too easy?????????????????????????????

They are a lot more complicating thanthe old games.

i freakin agree with this article. great job.

a 6yo girl back in 1989 after playing nintendo for 3 years of her life could definitely play out a 6 yo boy playing his simpler than life vid games today....
i need a time machine!!!! >D

that's great! So funny!

I wish ninjas WOULD kidnap the president...

No memory cards then man! But try to get the kids to beat the games without even the cheat codes. I agree with the Contra dude.

One of the best articles on RetroJunk! Incredibly amazing, dude!..haha, i can relate to all that, and i agree with you; kids these days don't know the value of real videogames...

This article made me laugh out loud. It's also completely true. I agree with you 100%. I have two nieces and a nephew that I let play my Nintendo games. Most of them cant pass the first level of a majority of the games. They just give up because they are so used to their gamecube games being so easy. As a result they have no patience Whatsoever.

LMFAO great article

No matter how hard I tried beat punch-out.

Contra sholud be on your list too dude! That game was actually kinda hard if you DIDN'T use the 30 lives code. Finishing Contra should be a prerequisite for entering adult hood.

they where more exciting thats for sure
losing a life would mean dissaster

It really is amazing how many awesome, extremely long, and complex games came out for a system with only 2 buttons. I remember getting my first one. I still have one with all the games I ever wanted for it, but emultors are way better. LOL!

No bad...try beating NES first version TMNT without giving up hope on mankind.

damn streight dude...
Back in the day, when we ran outta lives on the ninja turtles game, we had to start the ENTIRE game over! none of these fancy-shmancy save points... and if we were lucky, we could jot down a password that got us half way back to the place we were, without the wave beam and screw-attack we had just found.

I like today's video games. I totally forgot about Skate or Die, though. Wasn't there a computer game called Ski or Die, too? I loved that stuff.

Great article. . . I agree with all you've said. I would, however, like to offer another one.

What did Metroid teach me: Things aren't always what they seem. Men can act like women, and women can act like men. And in a really cool-looking space suit, you can never really tell until you remove their mask.

I only played E.T. a few times and that was challenging, as well as Raiders of the Lost Ark. On Intellivision it was Dungeons and Dragons. Those were way out before the Ninetendo and those games were hard. Unlike video games, we don't have cheat codes and unlimited lives.

I just hope your kid doesn't get beat up by some other kid whos mom or dad lets them play GTA at his young age.

While rather short, this was a fun read. I particularly liked the first three bits. Heh. Nice

Never let ninjas kidnap the president. Never. And I agree with this article. Kids today should be exposed to ALL systems before they go deciding which are the best.

Yes, yes, and yes.

NES and SNES should be pre-requisites for gaming, like Pong, Asteroids, Pac-Man and Q*Bert.

really good article, some parts made me laugh, like skate... or die. Those games rock!

Great article, I couldn't agree more.
I'll force my kids to beat Super Mario with their eyes blindfolded before they'll get anything for christmas.

I am with you dude. When I have kids, they're starting on the old stuff. And the actual system not emulators. I have every system i've ever had (except my PSX, i traded it in like a moron when i got a PS2 only to find out mortal kombat trilogy, a game i love, didnt work 100%).

But I got a PSone, and will eventually get a PSX back since im still kicking myself for getting rid of mine. I collect video games so my kids will have TONS to choose from for old school stuff cuz i have over 1000 video games spanning like 22 systems. i still hate myself for trading my PSX for $10 at gamestop. I should've kept the box at least but i didnt know game stores threw the boxes out, i thought u needed it. lame.

MAn this article is hilarious, love it, especially the bit about the ninjas and the President.

Rock on dude, nice article and sums up what I think of old school games in general, back when you couldn't save a game, you had to play it till finish (or not turn it off), no back to playing some Mario Bros on my Wii Virtual Console.

Games were way harder back then. Are there any games today where you have to start the entire game over after using 3 continues? Nope. Will there ever be a game as hard as Ninja Gaiden 1, 2, and 3? Nope. Heck will there be a game more impossible to beat with 2 players then Battletoads? Maybe if you include Legendary Mode of Halo. That was an entertaining article.

UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A START....or SELECT START if two player!!!

Man did you really insult the russians in an article about NES. hope your ashamed.

Dude where do you live?

Funny article. Looking forward to your next one.

the games were better than the article. and ninja's rule!

GO TRIBE

The article is perfect I tell you...perfect.

Those games were for sissies! Try some real man game, like Kirby Adventures!

Pretty damn funny . . . I do hope that was the intent.

When I have a kid when I grow up, I'll play classic for games for the future with'em before I give him a future game system.

i have a shirt that says back to the basics and has a nintendo on it and some little kid asked me what it was, and asked if it was the new nintendo comming out i almost smaked the kid. they have no idea about their roots and it makes me sad

i wouldnt give my future kid a playstation 9 or whatever
they got to work out the list of systems first

they get an nintendo first then super nintendo/genesis and then 64 and the playstation and then xbox and so on

What about Super Mario Bros. and The Legend Of Zelda?

The jokes in this article get awesomer as you get closer to the end. A high point for me is when you understood the need to kill everyone in a 10 mile radius when someone uses your girlfriends ovaries like a speedball. Love your work.

The jokes in this article get worse as you get closer to the end. After joking about Punch Out and Castlevania 2 you could have made a comment about how games back in the 80's were much more difficult.

BTW: There won't be a Playstation 17. There won't even be a Playstation 4.

Ain't much more to be said except add TMNT II: Arcade. It helps to have friends to watch your back while kicking ninja ass

I agree i grew up in the 80's and thats where the video games started.

THANK YOU

most of the kids that talk shit today are lousy at really getting in to a good rumble... they need friends to back it up or become even MORE like sissies and use a lousy gun.... WIMPS THE LOT OF THEM

I haven't played a lot of the games you mentioned. Sorry, I'm not really into sport games. Punch Out, Double Dragon, and Tetris are hardcore awesome! Castlevania II: Simon's Quest sucks big time compared to the other Castlevania games. The 8-bit Nintendo world is my main world!

Double Dragon made me want to join a gang...back when gangs were cool and wore headbands and denim vests.

I do miss Nintendo...the first...the REAL.

You woos! My Atari 2600 joystick only had ONE button.

Heh, but you are right. Kids today are indeed pansies.

lol. all i can do is laugh at this article. its hilarious.

I agree though, my kids aren't going to know what a Playstation is until they play Atari and NES. Period!

You got that right.

Dern right!
This is awesome.