I Tried to Ford the River and My Oxen Died

Back in the glory days of elementary school, things were simpler. My mom made sure I looked good…and my mom, since she survived the 80s, made me look bad 4.7 out of 5 days of the week. The 0.3 times I looked good was for about a minute during recess when everyone was dirty except for me…and then I would get pushed off the merry-go-round by a girl, and my moment in the sun would end.
But elementary school was awesome. Why was it the awesome you ask? Oregon Trail. That’s right people, Oregon Trail.

You played it at some point and time in your life…and you loved every minute of it. Oregon Trail was the coolest game ever. You got to shoot stuff, in school no less, and you could name the members of your group after all your friends…and one always got named ‘Poo’ or something. You did it…you know you did…so don’t even call me immature.

My favorite part of the game, aside from hunting massive bears, deer, and small rabbits, were the gravestones. Since all the computers were on some kind of server, other people’s grave stones came up on your computer. I caught on to this rather quickly. The next thing you know, some kid is raising his hand wondering why someone’s death was There were fire ants…and they crawled up my ass. Or, my favorite as a child: You suck. Imagine the trauma I caused—some poor child just stumbled across a grave stone of a poor, dead soul (i.e. me), was nice enough to pay his respects, and gets told that he sucks by a computer generated gravestone. Did I send kids to psychiatrists?

I don’t know…but if I didn’t, I know that damn sex ed/growing up video in 5th grade probably sent some kids there. That video was hilarious…Johnny starts having feelings for girls, wet dreams… and hair where there was no hair before. Amazing. So Johnny is a hairy, broken hearted dude with stained sheets. Obviously, we all wanted to be Johnny badly. I kind of wanted to see the girl’s video. I always wondered if it was just as lame¬—“You will grow boobs and boys will like them. A lot. Get used to it.”

Back to the Oregon Trail. The awesome thing about Oregon Trail was its supposed educational value. You know what it taught me? Oregon is too far away. I would not drive across the country with my family in a stupid wagon. And my dad is a millwork/cabinet God…so that would mean he would be the equivalent of the carpenter. So we would have the least money, no food, and lame oxen. Not my scene, I’m staying home. However, if I got to shoot pixilated bears every day…that might make up for it. I learned shooting things was gnarly. Also, I was thoroughly convinced everyone died of either cholera or dysentery back then. I didn’t know that dysentery basically meant crapping yourself to death. I do now…another reason why I am glad I was not on the Oregon Trail to shit myself to death.

They should make a modern day Oregon Trail. It could be one of two things:

1) Hollywood Oregon Trail: Take Jane on an adventure across the country in her father’s BMW and the Burberry scarf Jane’s mother bought her. Jane will go through many hard times on the trail and will have to make many crucial decisions. Do you let Jane hook up with the haggard, old, movie director to get her a walk on roll in a B-Movie film? Or do you spend your time gorging Jane with food, only to have someone hold her hair back so she can throw up five minutes later? Does your money go towards cocaine or new shoes? Will Jane end up not making it to Hollywood and just stop in Nevada to become a porn star? Or can you lead her to the glory of sex with disgusting men, drugs and an eating disorder? For ages 6 and up.

2) Mexican Trail: Lead Jose over the border. Dodge the border patrol, dogs and climb chain linked fences on your way to a McDonald’s in the Midwest where you will get paid 5 dollars an hour, not learn any English and compete with fellow Mexican’s to grow the coolest moustache EVER. For children with learning disorders.

From my website eatyourpets.net