The Doug Funny Theory

I reached a horrifying conclusion today: Doug Funny made being a loser cool. It’s sad, because Doug Funny is a total kook and has the game of Gary Kasperov in a real world setting, without a chessboard to be seen. Doug, whether we realize it or not, has shaped the world we now live in. The TV has destroyed America.

Doug was the original Emo kid. He sat in the corner of the park and wailed on his banjo, singing love songs about Patti Mayonaise. What do little kids do? Idolize cartoon characters. Emo, and the subsequent emo kids, are all Doug’s fault. Doug was emo; keeping a journal, getting his ass kicked by bullies, and wearing a sweater vest. I understand sweater vests aren’t emo, but, come on…he was Doug. It’s emo on Doug. Trust me. I’m the connoisseur of Doug. (Guys, drop that one at parties as a pick up line for a girl…give her 5 seconds, and you’ll be wondering why you are all alone in the corner with your friends laughing at you and the host asking you to leave because you are too fucking stupid to stay at the party. Go home and listen to the Beets. It’s what I do.) Doug wore underwear over his shorts to make them look tighter, probably because he didn’t have the balls to steal his sister’s pants (I know, “having the balls to steal your sister’s pants” is a very contradictory phrase, but work with me here). His pants are tight. His mighty banjo is in his hand. His heart is broken. It reeks of emo more than Christina Agulera reeks of “worthless whore.”

Doug is responsible for the lameness of America’s youth. Before Doug, we worshiped kick ass super heroes. Superman could fly and kick ass. Batman had a sick car and beat the shit out of people. Hell, Wonder Woman used S&M to her advantage and would be a little tease, using her whip and powers of seduction to beat the shit out of criminals. (However, Wonder Woman ends up being a lesbian…the world works in strange ways.) But Doug decided to take a big piece of fish and slap the shit out of what any of us thought was normality: he became Quailman. Quailman. Let me get this straight…kids are going to look up to a super hero with a belt on his head and underwear over his shorts, with a dog as a sidekick? And you wonder why your son gets his ass kicked in high school and spends all day playing Dungeons and Dragons instead of, I dunno, living his life. It’s because Doug taught him that being lame was cool. Doug made being a loser COMPLETELY acceptable. Good ‘ole Mr. Funny makes things like Harry Potter turn from a book into an obsession. I mean, it’s cool to really enjoy the book…but to the point it becomes the center piece of your life and you, say, show up to purchase the book dressed as Hermoine…yep, sounds like Doug Funny is at fault there. I’m going to blame Doug for all of my awkwardness and lack of social skills from ages 11-17. You owe me 6-7 years of my life.

The show in itself personally fueled the Yodeling come back. Words you probably thought you would never, ever see together: Yodeling and Comeback. Thanks to Mr. Bone’s (the principle’s) obsession with yodeling, it propelled things like Yanni back into the mainstream of music. Way to go. That’s all we need, more shitty music in the world. How does yodeling even REMOTELY sound cool? Opera is artful and filled with fat women (like a Salvador Dali painting). Yodeling is basically kicking someone in the balls and shoving things where things don’t belong, until the proper pitch is achieved (like a Third Eye Blind song).
Doug set many other social norms:

1) He had the token fat friend(s) who were lamer than him and made him look cooler (those two nerdy twin brothers).
2) He got his ass kicked by a guy in a leather jacket. Really, I don’t think you are allowed to kick asses, unless you own a leather jacket.
3) A Neematoad. What the fuck?
4) Doug attempted to bring back a beatnik lifestyle in the form of his sister. He failed. Why? Judy was neither hot, nor convincing enough to be the leader of a beatnik revolution.
5) Normal white underwear is not cool. Nor is wearing it over your shorts.

Damn you Doug. Damn you to hell.